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TAY 158: How to make friends – In depth

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Today’s podcast we talked about how to use techniques in game to make friends and just be sociable in general. We also discussed the different types of needy behavior and why this is one of the biggest turn offs for women.

WILLIAM: Well, I’m basically just I guess trying to take it to the next level, so that’s why I want to stick with these calls and advice, and always trying to get better. So there are a lot of little things that I think I’m kind of trying to work on. So, some good news, I basically over the last couple of months have felt like I was losing a lot of what I had learned because I got into a relationship. And so I’ve been really actively kind of pushing myself to engage and talk to all sorts of people to just make sure that I’m still being very sociable and trying to pick up on times when I can use my skills to maybe meet a new relationship, whether it’s romantic or otherwise because like otherwise, it’s a really good thing to be able to do as well. I think for being a professional that’s very helpful to do, so, on that front, I think I’ve been very, very successful.

JAMIE: All right.

WILLIAM: Which is good, so I think that’s great. I’m worried that… I’m really just worried that I’m going to lose, has to lose these skills that I’ve spent so much time and energy working to attain, and I mean, everyone’s day is so busy, everyone’s got so much going on, we’re all a little scattered brained sometimes. I’m just… that’s a kind of a concern of mine. It’s like I just don’t want to lose a lot of that because I was out with friends the other night at a bar and I met this girl and I wanted to practice my skills, just to make sure that they were up to speed. And I did a pretty good job but I noticed that I was really forgetting a lot of stuff that I practiced and going through the boot camp, I just remember right after the boot camp, I felt like I really had a lot of good stuff and I feel like a lot of that’s gone now.

JAMIE: Okay, so?

WILLIAM: So, I’m just… I guess I’m wondering what I should be doing to… should I be reviewing the material like once a week or just continue to do what I’m doing which is to be pushing myself a little bit more towards just actively engaging with people? I know we’ve talked about hitting a certain mark which I haven’t been able to hit that number. I think we were saying 15 different girls in a week.

JAMIE: Okay, well, first and foremost, again, I’ve told this before I’m here to remind you, yes, you will lose your skills very, very quickly. It’s incredible the atrophy that you’ll experience if you really don’t keep up with this stuff. I mean, I’ve been through this myself when I’ve been in relationships for a while. It’s incredible how much of it really just needs to be reworked and it takes a couple, more than even a couple of months, maybe a few months to really get yourself back up to speed so there’s definitely a significant penalty if you don’t do what you’re doing.

On the other end, you can do what you’re… how you’re addressing things which is like you don’t want to experience that atrophy so instead, you’re trying to find ways to push yourself. So here’s maybe some good things you could do. I mean, I understand you’re in a relationship and you don’t want to extend beyond those boundaries but at the same time, you still want to push yourself and keep learning. So, you can set some different types of goals, man. Here, I mean, these are types of goals you could set for yourself that would allow yourself… see what you basically want to do, William, is you want to have experiences where you push yourself to a point that is a either uncomfortable or a point where you need some work.

Now, when you experience that point of uncomfortability, you take note, and then you figure out, “Okay, what can I do next time?” And that type of experience is not going to happen working your own silo just by reading your notes, you just got to put yourself out there and push yourself. So, here’s an example of some goals that I personally really like a lot even when I’m in a relationship; try to make yourself so interesting that people ask you for your information.

I mean, if you were able to really connect that well with somebody, oftentimes, they’re going to be like, they’re almost going to feel like it can almost be like a loss to have spent so much time connecting with somebody and then not have anything at the end but meanwhile, they see you’re just willing to kind of call the moment for what it was. “Hey, it was nice chatting with you.” Oftentimes, they’ll ask for your information and I think it’d be a really great challenge to see how many times a week you can get somebody… where you’re going to be so interesting where you can get somebody to ask for your contact info. These are the kind of goals you can do to kind of make it more of a game for yourself.

Right? What else? Right, I think the goal should really be about… honestly, you know, also Insta-dates are a great thing. Even if, and when I say Insta-date, doesn’t mean there necessarily needs to be a romantic purpose behind it but again, it’s just something simple where you got the interaction to a level, you know the person to some degree is intrigued, and you’re like, “Hey,” like meeting her for example at a coffee shop, and it sounds a little crazy being we just met but I was about to go grab a coffee, sit down over there, why don’t you come join me? Stuff like that.

You can push yourself to really try and forge relationships to people and what’s going to be great about that is when you push people to those kind of things, they’re going to give you some kind of feedback and that feedback is always going to help you to continue to grow but the only way you’re really going to learn is by pushing yourself into uncomfortable moments. I’ve had, after I got out of my more recent relationship, dude, I had a number of and again, it’s muscle memory. I had a number of situations where I pushed myself into like, “F**k, great. I had to learn that f**king lesson again,” or just whatever and you just have to keep forcing yourself to put yourself in uncomfortable situations because that’s the only way you’re going to have an experience and learn something. So, you had set different types of goals for yourself which will basically force you to do that.

WILLIAM: Yeah, no, it’s funny that you said that because I think for 2017, my goal is, the main goal is to not get comfortable. I really think that in whatever you do in life, you plateau and you kind of end things when you get comfortable.

JAMIE: Yeah, you’re either growing or you’re dying, one or the other.

WILLIAM: Yeah.

JAMIE: Growing sounds a lot better.

WILLIAM: Yeah exactly, exactly.

JAMIE: So, let me ask you this then. You and I have talked about a few different types of goal setting. We mentioned 15 sets, mentioned just now, two ways to kind of—two types of goals, see how many people you can get per week will actually ask you for your information, and by the way, you can do that with anybody. They don’t have to necessarily be attractive, not attractive; they’re still human beings, you’re still going to learn something, and you never know, you might make… have a nice friend, who knows?

WILLIAM: Yeah.

JAMIE: So, listening to some of the ideas you and I have spoken of, what do you think would be maybe, let’s just start with one, what would be one really amazing goal to set for yourself between now and New Year’s? What do you think would be exciting? Something like oohhh, if I could accomplish that, that’d be pretty f**king cool.

WILLIAM: Probably to meet new friends because a lot of what I do is I’m kind of freelance work so it’s very easy to stay in my cave, you know what I mean? Like, not to go out too much or stuff like that which is not good I think.  I’d like to really build a bigger group of friends to hang out with and so I think a lot of times, it’s very easy for me to just either stay home or to kind of get lost in my work which is sometimes important and necessary but it shouldn’t be the way of life.

JAMIE: Okay, so what do you think of being maybe a more granular goal that would  support that, how, what needs to happen between now and January 1st to give yourself the best opportunity to make a new friend, what would need to happen?

WILLIAM: I probably need to go out more and start engaging with people more.

JAMIE: Okay, and how are you going to do that?

WILLIAM: So, probably, by picking some spots to go to, coffee shops, and like you’ve mentioned too, happy hour, and just making a point to do it on a fairly consistent basis.

JAMIE: Okay, so do you have one coffee shop particularly in mind?

WILLIAM: Yeah, there’s probably three places I could hit up that are pretty close to me.

JAMIE: Okay, so, maybe just as a starting point, you know, I mean, today’s only Wednesday. Maybe just as a starting point, make your goal at least during the week, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday for the next three days during the week to do that.

WILLIAM: Yeah.

JAMIE: Maybe possibly on a Saturday or Sunday, too, but at the very least, during the week where people are kind of working. I mean, if you have to do your freelance stuff, right? Why not do it in an environment where you also have the opportunity to meet other people?  So that’s always a great way to do stuff, man. I mean, you kind of find ways NET, no extra time. You find ways to combine activities where you know you’re going to be doing one thing, you might as well get something else done at the same time, so that would be awesome. And, it’s just one of those kinds of things you just need to be really disciplined to do it. You find one outlet that really might kind of help you out and you just… that’s just what you’re doing. And the other part too is you kind of set it where you allow yourself to feel good, like you accomplish something even if you go and nothing happens. Because just the fact that you’re taking action to do those kind of things, you want to really… you want to make your best effort but at the same time want to free yourself from being outcome independent. It’s kind of like you go to the… you tell yourself, okay, I’m going to feel successful and I did what needs to be done if I go to the coffee shop three days this week. If you do that, you should feel great about yourself, William.

You went there, you made an effort to put yourself in the right place, then I’d say the second part of that is at the very least, each time you go there, regardless of your interest in that person, remember what you said, you’re there to maybe make some new friends. At least find one or two people that even if you just say, “Hey, how are you?” Just to engage, you know, that is some level of you actually engaged some strangers. Now, you always know you can kind of continue that which you should but at the very least, you have some minimal goals where if you’re doing some stuff like that consistently, to put yourself in the right places, that’s something to celebrate. You can’t help who shows up or who does not show up but at least you’re taking action to give yourself more of a chance for what you want to happen to happen, so start there. Yeah, I mean, you think you can do that over the next week? I mean, between now and January 1st? Get to one of those three coffee shops every day, at least during the work week.

WILLIAM: Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, that’s definitely within my capabilities. That shouldn’t be a problem.

JAMIE: And from there, I would just try to make yourself make an effort that you just keep talking like you try to present yourself as such an interesting guy that the next thing you know, people are asking questions like who are you? Where are you from? What do you do? That should be your kind of a next level goal for yourself. You know, you’re such a fascinating guy, people just want to learn a little bit more about who you are.

WILLIAM: Yup.

JAMIE: And then you’re not asking for anything from anyone, you’re just kind of presenting who you are and if someone wants to kind of take the bait or take an interest then that’s great.

WILLIAM: Yeah, okay.

JAMIE: But, yeah, man. You really got to push yourself into… you got to find a way to push yourself weekly into uncomfortable zones, otherwise, you’re not going to learn. That’s just kind of the way it goes.

WILLIAM: Yeah, no, I definitely think one of the downsides to being in this relationship that I’m in is that it’s made me get comfortable and I don’t think that’s a good thing because I didn’t come this far to just kind of end it here.

JAMIE: Anything else you think you could do that kind of strikes out at you as maybe a next step for yourself besides the coffee shops and at least visits during the weekday?

WILLIAM: No, I mean, I think well, yeah. I mean there’s always something more I can do. Yeah, I could try and curve out a little bit of more time to go out in the evenings and to basically work on what is it? A1 through A3.

JAMIE: You could do that. I think the one’s that’s going to work probably best for you though still is the one where you’re going to work at a coffee shop during the day because that’s… I can see you totally doing that, you have no reason not to do it.

WILLIAM: Yeah.

JAMIE: So, I mean, I think that’d be kind of a good platform for you, start there. I mean I’m not saying not to do the other stuff by the way, I just think the first one is going to be one where you have no excuse but to do it because there’s no reason not to do it and you’re doing your work anyways so I don’t know, why not work in an environment where you can get kind of two things done in one shot. So, I think that’s something that will propel you forward towards what you’re looking for.

WILLIAM: Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

JAMIE: I mean, I think the night stuff is great but I think the way you could get… I think the way you’ll push that one forward is if you have friends who are just going out with you, too. If you get that kind of going at the same time or even I mean, yeah, just if you’re out with other people, I can see you doing that, but at least during the day, you’re not losing out at any time, so maybe focus more on some day game stuff at least for now. Kind of combine more activities that you have to do anyway with your desire to be more sociable and meet more people. I think that might be kind of a better spot for you at least at this point.

WILLIAM: Well, that’s perfect because I think I like day game better. Right.

JAMIE: Yeah, I mean, I just think for what you’re looking for, I think that’s probably going to be your best bet.

WILLIAM: Yeah, okay. Yeah, that’s good. I’ll definitely do that because it needs to happen, it’s just now I pick the plateau.

JAMIE: No, no it’s not. Again, there’s a very big penalty if you don’t do what’s supposed to be done. I mean, I’d be ashamed to lose all that, you know, all that effort you put and all the results you’ve got, it’d be a shame to lose that, so you got to keep pushing forward but what’s great is like all these things you’re doing, you’re pushing yourself so you can have people in your social circle, colleagues, you’re working to make yourself just much more interesting and engaging just to be around, so yeah, just keep pushing then.

WILLIAM: Yeah, no, I appreciate the advice and I mean, to be honest with you, I used to, I think because I’m more introverted than extroverted, but I basically like in the past, I’m always, anytime I get into a room with people, I’m always pretty sociable, it’s just getting into the room in the first place that’s like for some reason, I have this hang up about. And for the first time in my life, I feel like a lot of these skills that I’ve learned specifically through this program basically helped me to just have the confidence to know that, okay, I’m walking into a party where I know no one.

Or I’m going into a networking event where I don’t know a single person and yet I’m comfortable because I know that I can strike up a conversation. I know that I’m going to be interesting and engaging because I know how to do things like turn questions into statements, stuff like that. It’s really very, very helpful. So on a positive note, that’s been really kind of a life changing philosophy or mindset that I have now which is really, really helpful.

JAMIE: Okay, great! So my hope is that next time, you actually have some experiences like some experience at the coffee shops wherever you go where you push yourself and just, this went well, this did not, whatever, but really make it an objective of yours to come on the call with some specific experiences for the next time so we can kind of talk through that and really kind of keep you moving on the right direction.

WILLIAM: I’ll have some stories for you.

JAMIE: Okay, good, man. Awesome.

WILLIAM: Yeah.

JAMIE: Sounds good, William.

WILLIAM: Thank you.

JAMIE: Mr. Cassidon?

CASSIDON:      Hey, man. Can you hear me?

JAMIE: Yeah, I hear you just fine.

CASSIDON: Perfect. I was wondering, up in revelations, I’ve seen that it says that you know, being cheap is a DLV, right?

JAMIE: Yes.

CASSIDON: Okay. So I was wondering in what context should I look at that in because as we all know, too much extravagance and we’ll all go broke. So I was trying to figure out that fine line between extravagance and just being in the norm, you know what I mean?

JAMIE: Yeah, I mean, that’s actually a really great question, man. I mean, being cheap is not just with others, it’s also with yourself. If people can see you’re cheap with yourself, you’re not willing to invest in yourself, you have like your clothes are just kind of “eh” you know, you have an opportunity to better yourself, go to college, take a certification, and you’re just not doing it. Like, those kinds of displays of being frugal are not good so it’s not just being cheap with others, it’s also being cheap with yourself.

Now, here’s the thing. If you’re smart with money, you know, someone who makes intelligent wealth building type of decisions, see I think that the two things that need to be differentiated is being extravagant versus being generous. If you’re not making a million dollars, you have a normal kind of pay check and you can’t go out to dinner or take people out to dinner every night, that’s fine. Maybe one night you have dinner in but you still make for someone, you still share what you have so you’re still generous with what you have to give. You’re not overly extravagant where you’re not going to $400 dinners every night. So you’re still being generous to others, you’re still sharing with others, you’re just not living beyond your means. Do you see the difference?

CASSIDON: Yeah, that makes sense.

JAMIE: You can still be generous without being stupid.

CASSIDON: Okay.

JAMIE: Right? I mean, I can’t go to bottle service every night but you know what? If I go once a month and I’ve a friend of mine who doesn’t make as much money as I do, I might invite them and say, “Hey, just come. I got you.” But I’m not doing it every f**king month. I’m not trying to keep up with the Jones’ or anyone else so I know what money I have coming through, I know what my financial objectives are, and I make sure to live within them while I’m constantly saving them and accruing but at the same time with whatever I am able to spend or experience, I’m generous with what that is.

CASSIDON: Okay.

JAMIE: All right? I don’t buy 25 rounds of drinks but you know what? Maybe I will buy a round and I will buy it for everybody.

CASSIDON: Oh.

JAMIE: I’m aware of what I have and when I do things, I invite other people. But the other part to that too is I also am very aware that I am generous to people that deserves it. For example, I might have this friend of a friend who’s always out with my group, whatever, for example, I’m not saying they’re always out but they’re out sometimes with my friends of friends. That person’s a cheap f*** so you know what? I don’t buy their drinks. Lately, I’ve bought for them five other times, they never offer, they can go f*** themselves, I’m not buying for them anymore. So, I’m not stupid. I would consider that being stupid money.

I buy for people that I care about, people I enjoy being around. I just don’t buy it for everyone who’s around me. Same thing with women, right? If I’m out and I’m going out to meet women, and I’m not just going to buy a drink for a girl right away but if I’m spending time with somebody and this girl’s been with me for half an hour, she’s clearly enjoying my company, and I’m buying drinks for everyone else, yeah, I’m going to offer her one as well because she’s clearly not there just for me to buy her a drink. She’s been showing me for about half an hour or so, so I’m going to be generous on her, too. I’m not going to try and buy her affections but someone who is clearly showing an interest in me and is there for the right reasons, then I’ll be generous to that person. So, being generous is kind of really more about what you’re looking for, living within your means, right, but you’re not being stupid with your money.

CASSIDON: Oh, okay.

JAMIE: It’s being aware of what you have at your disposal and with what you have, you’re generous of that. You’re not cheap with others with what you have to give. There are people out there that are very giving and very generous but they don’t make a lot of money, but they’re generous in what they have. You come into their house, they’re making dinner, they’re more than happy to set a plate aside and have you join them. They’re not taking you out to an extravagant meal but they’re being generous of what they have to offer.

CASSIDON: Oh, okay. I got it.

JAMIE: Does that make sense?

CASSIDON: Yup, that make a lot of sense.

JAMIE: But when people see you’re cheap and you’re not generous, and you’re stingy, those are horrible qualities and that’s really what they’re looking for… or what they’re not looking for but those are things, those are like red flags.

CASSIDON: Okay, red flags as to what? Like, future?

JAMIE: Yeah, man! People, women are looking for men that can take care of them. They’re looking for men that are going to provide.  Now, they might understand that, hey, this guy they’re dating is a medical school student, doesn’t have a lot of money right now so he can’t afford to buy her cars or fancy this or that but at the same time, she’s going to look for signs of what he might be like when he does have resources. So, I mean, this guy has like, a certain amount of money comes through because he’s doing some kind of residency, and with the money he does have, he does take her out to dinner once a week, and when he does make dinner, he does make for her, and she can see that it’s not like he’s buying her extravagant gifts but he does do little things to show that he cares and he’s willing to share what he does have. Yeah, you get it?

CASSIDON: Oh, yeah. Yes. I do get it.

JAMIE: So, don’t live beyond your means, don’t overextend beyond what you have but what you do have, living within your means, living within whatever financial objectives you have, you’re generous with what you have and you do share with the right people.

CASSIDON: I got it.

JAMIE: You’re not buying things to win people over. You’re doing it because you want to do it for the people that have shown to be worthy of your attention, your affections, your generosity. You’re selective and with those people, you are generous with what you have.

CASSIDON: It makes more sense now.

JAMIE: Okay, good.

CASSIDON: Thank you.

JAMIE: Yeah, no problem. Anything else, guys? William? Cassidon?

CASSIDON: I have a million questions just as long as you have.

JAMIE: Okay, let me give William one last chance. William, you have anything else? Are you still there?

WILLIAM: You know what, yeah, honestly, I don’t… I wish I did but I think what I need is just more interaction stories.

JAMIE: Yeah, that’s where you’re going to learn something, man. So meet your goal—

WILLIAM: Yeah.

JAMIE: On the next week or so, get some good interactions, have some good stories, have a few blooper reels to go through, it doesn’t f**king matter, nobody cares, just try some shit because that’s how you’re going to learn. Come into that call with those interactions to discuss and then you’ll really get something.

WILLIAM: Yeah, yeah. I agree.

JAMIE: Okay?

WILLIAM: Cool.

JAMIE: All right, William. So, Cassidon, yeah, back to you, man. We’ll do a couple of questions.

CASSIDON: All right, perfect! Let me go to my questions. All right, so I was wondering, what is a good and effective way to insinuate and I was also wondering if there will be good practices to allow me to do so?

JAMIE: Okay, a good practice to insinuate?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: To insinuate what? Like give me more of what you’re looking for here.

CASSIDON: Okay, I was looking for more of like a general sense, with a woman like let’s say I wanted to insinuate that she’s very beautiful or I want to insinuate that I really like her. I was wondering what will be some effective ways to go about doing so.

JAMIE: Best way to do that either is from one of our founders, Cris Lovedrop which is keep them suspended between hope and doubt. You ever heard of that one before?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: Okay. So, here would be a great example of that. The best kiss close in the world is just leaning in. If she doesn’t turn away, go for it, you’ve heard that?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: But what if you get really, really close, right? You’re like right there. You haven’t quite necessarily stated where you’re going with it but she knows, she can feel the energy. She can feel there’s some kind of charge there and that’s not the kind of thing you do if you aren’t attracted at some level, you following me?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: So, that’s the best way to insinuate. It’s kind of like, does he like me? Is he attracted to me? Is he about to kiss me? That’s the best type of insinuation to do but you do that with your actions, you don’t have to do that with your words.

CASSIDON: Okay. Make it—

JAMIE: Insinuating is kind of keeping her kind of on edge a little bit, where is he going with this? So, your best way to insinuate that is with your actions, your body. You don’t actually have to outright state where it’s going. It’s kind of like you’re almost kind of keeping her on the edge of well, what’s going to happen next? I think he likes me, I think he’s attracted to me. This seems to be indicative of somebody who’s trying to take this somewhere but I don’t know for sure. You get it?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: I mean, I’ve had women that the first time I hang out with them like one on one, they’re like, I don’t know if this is going to be a date or what, I wasn’t really ever… I insinuated, I hinted at things but I was never fully clear. I never outright said, “Wow, you’re beautiful,” but I did things to let them know that more likely than not, it’s not going in a platonic direction and oftentimes the way you can do that is just with your body, your mannerisms, just the way you’re acting around her.

CASSIDON: Okay. I think that’s really interesting.

JAMIE: Just imagine, if you got really close, almost to a point where you look like you might go in to kiss her, would you agree that’s some type of insinuation?

CASSIDON:      Yeah.

JAMIE: Especially if you kind of lower your voice and start speaking a certain way. What if he got really close and you said, “So, how are you feeling?” Right? You think she might be getting the idea that you might be doing something in the near future?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: Now, you outright saying, “You’re attractive.”

CASSIDON: No.

JAMIE: No, that’s a great type of insinuation.

CASSIDON: Oh.

JAMIE: You’re not putting your cards on the table but you’re hinting at what might be coming up.

CASSIDON: Oh, okay. I got it.

JAMIE: You don’t need to tell her she’s beautiful. You don’t need to go those directions.

CASSIDON: She already knows that it’s really.

JAMIE: Hint that you’re attracted to her with your body, your mannerisms, your actions, your way of being. You don’t need to outright say it. Let her try and f**king figure out what’s happening.

CASSIDON: Okay. Yeah, that’s a fun example you gave me but it does make it clear for me.

JAMIE: Okay.

CASSIDON: Let me see, another one I had was, what role does insecurity play in attraction and why is it so critical?

JAMIE: What role does insecurity play in attraction and why is it so critical? That’s your question?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: So you mean like if you were insecure, is that what you mean?

CASSIDON: Yes, if I’m insecure, how does that affect the attraction and the pickup as a whole?

JAMIE: Okay, well depends on how insecure manifests. Are you referring to insecurity where you’re reactive? Are you talking about insecurity where you’re kind of needy? How is this insecurity showing itself in your example?

CASSIDON: Neediness.

JAMIE: Neediness, okay. So, here’s the thing with that. Actions speak louder than words. If you’re really a high value guy, do you need any particular relationship to work out? Does it really matter if any one girl works out?

CASSIDON: No.

JAMIE: So, if that was true, your actions would speak to that, correct?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: So, if that was true then as well, then a guy that really didn’t need a relationship to work out, who’s actions didn’t reflect where a relationship needed to work out, he would not be doing certain things. For example, he would not be saying, showing needy behavior, making needy statements for example like, “Hey, where’ve you been the last two hours? I keep calling you.” That would be a needy statement, correct? “Where’ve you been the last two hours? I’ve been calling you.” You following me?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: So, if you really were a high value guy, who didn’t need anything to work out or clearly, you wouldn’t act in a certain way. You wouldn’t say certain things. So the problem is when you act needy, speak needy, that’s like showing your real hand, it’s like saying, it’s like showing her, no matter what I tell you about me being this high value guy, here’s the truth, I don’t act like a high value guy, I say needy reaction-seeking type of statements. So it’s like showing your hand where it’s like, okay, no matter what he tells me about he has this great life and he’s this sought after guy, he doesn’t speak or act like any high value guy I’ve ever met so it’s very important to act the part. It’s like I like to tell people, before you say something or do something, ask yourself, is this the kind of behavior or mannerism, or action, or words that Brad Pitt would say? If the answer is no, then you probably want to keep your mouth shut.

CASSIDON: Yeah, that kind of puts it into…

JAMIE: It’s showing your true self. You can say whatever you want but if your actions are needy, reaction-seeking, then you betrayed yourself. That’s why women do shit tests. They test you to see if you’re really going to crack.

CASSIDON: Oh, okay. To see if you really…

JAMIE: If you’re the real deal.

CASSIDON: Okay.

JAMIE: So, the reason why you do not want to show insecurities via reaction-seeking, needy behavior, or actions or words is because that’s basically like showing your hand. That’s like saying, “Hey, I’m not the real deal. I’m talking like a needy guy and you know that is not in line with high value behavior.” Ask yourself this, write this down, is this the kind of thing that Brad Pitt would say or do, or act? If the answer is no, don’t do it.

CASSIDON: Okay.

JAMIE: Brad Pitt wouldn’t give a shit.

CASSIDON: All right, I got it.

JAMIE: Brad Pitt wouldn’t be concerned, Brad Pitt wouldn’t be insecure about this situation, and Brad Pitt certainly wouldn’t act in a way that is insecure or needy, or reaction seeking with his words, his behaviors, his mannerisms. He’s got a lot of options. He’s not going to crack when he gets shit tested.

CASSIDON: So, reaction-seeking is needy as well?

JAMIE: Yeah, reaction-seeking is needy, a great example of reaction-seeking is laughing at your own jokes.

CASSIDON: Ahh.

JAMIE: The horrible habit, and it’s habit. I mean, yeah, it’s not good.

CASSIDON: What if you… okay, so…

JAMIE: It’s kind of like saying, “Here’s a joke, ho, ho, laugh, don’t you think it’s funny? Don’t you want to laugh? Don’t you want to laugh?” It’s like looking for reassurance.  Let her laugh and her decide what’s funny or it’s not funny. You don’t need her to laugh at it, so laughing at your own jokes is a great example of reaction-seeking behavior, that it would also be a sign of insecurity and when you do that, you’re sending the wrong message.

CASSIDON: Hello?

JAMIE: Yep.

CASSIDON: I’m sorry, man, somebody was calling me in the middle of a call. I didn’t… it kind of cut off after you said that…

JAMIE: That’s okay. Just tell me does that make sense for you now?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: Okay.

CASSIDON: Yes it does.

JAMIE: Okay, you want to do one last question?

CASSIDON: All right, I’ll do one last one. Okay, so I remember in the past and I tried to stick to this as much as possible but I remember in the past, you told me that not to text or call unless I’m offering something, right? I was wondering like what is the specific purpose behind that choice of actions?

JAMIE: Because you should always be looking to offer value. It should be value, value, value, right? Either value conversationally, value as far as activities, something. You’re just boring, why are you doing that for? Hey, how are you, great how are you, whatever. Like offer something. “Like, oh my god, you’re not going to believe what happened to me today.” “Oh, my god, so what are you wearing right now?” You know, you’re offering something that’s stimulating, offer like it stimulates emotions, has entertainment value, you should always be looking to offer value. If your—what you’re going to say or text is kind of run-of-the-mill boring shit, why are you doing it?

If you’re not doing it purposefully for a reason, why are you doing it? You’re texting her, there should be a purpose in mind, either I’m offering value, what I’m offering is engaging, I’m looking to see her later, there should be an outcome, don’t do it for the sake of doing it. It’s like, sometimes… have you ever hear this before? Sometimes the most attractive thing to do is not to speak at all. Don’t just speak for the sake of speaking. Talk if you’re going to offer value, you’ve heard this before?

CASSIDON: Yes.

JAMIE: Right? So, why would that not apply in texting? Don’t text for the sake of texting, offer something, and if you can’t offer via text messaging, call her up, have a five minute conversation, offer value. She should be excited to hear from you. If you’re offering boring shit all the time, then what is there? I’m just saying do stuff purposefully. What is the purpose behind this? Am I offering something? Am I trying to go somewhere with this? Am I going to try and see her later or later on? Am I trying to set up something? She can be… Is there value behind what I’m doing? If not then don’t do it. Don’t talk for the sake of talking.

CASSIDON:      Okay.

JAMIE: That’s also needy behavior, too. It’s like be comfortable with the silence. Don’t just talk because you’re nervous. Let her fill the f**king void if she wants to.

CASSIDON: Okay.

JAMIE: Don’t feel the need to… feeling the need to fill the void, that’s also needy, reaction, attention-seeking behavior.  It’s not value. Ultimately, every woman and guy, at least most, talk about the idea of feeling so comfortable with somebody, they don’t even need to talk around that person. They could just be, just the person’s presence is enough, right?

CASSIDON: Yep.

JAMIE: That’s what you’re aspiring to, then that should be across the board. You don’t need some kind of reassurance or talk for the sake of talking.

CASSIDON: Okay. Yeah, I think I’ve suffered with that. That’s something I’m working on as of right now, so.

JAMIE: Yeah, I mean look, if you want to say, “Hey, how’s your day?” but you really give a shit and you have something to talk about then great, go do that, that’s fine. I’m just saying, don’t be like, “It’s been two hours, I should text her,” don’t do that. Do it because you actually have a purpose. If you really care about her day, do you want to talk about the day, that’d be probably better on the phone by the way, but then go do it. Then, that’s great but that would be because you actually have something to talk about. That would be because you actually care. You’re doing it to fill the space because it’s been two hours and you feel like you haven’t texted her in a while, that’s not the right reason for doing it.

CASSIDON: Okay, I got it.

JAMIE: I’m not saying not to make polite conversation, I’m just saying, do it because you actually want to, because you actually care, because you have something you want to talk about.

CASSIDON: Not just for the sake of it.

JAMIE: Yeah, exactly. Is that cleared up a little bit?

CASSIDON: Yes, definitely.

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