Today’s podcast we talked about the differences between direct and indirect approach. Two bootcamp alumni discuss successes and challenges following their bootcamp. Also discussed different types of inner game strategies.
JASON: Question first, I’m struggling with the difference between our approach which is indirect and one of the books that you had mentioned or recommended to read was Mode one. And in that book I did go through it, the heavy emphasis is on direct approach. Could you help me understand the differences between the two because what we do and what you’re teaching us at least, it doesn’t seem like it’s completely indirect, there’s an indirect tone to it but there’s also a lot of directness built into it. Is that my correct understanding? So it’s multiple questions there, I guess.
JAMIE: Yeah, it’s okay. So let me, this is my own personal, I’ve never spoken to the author of Mode One but I think what I’m about to tell you will make sense, right? There’s definite value in this lifetime being able to ask for what you want. Most people kind of tiptoe around with the looking forward, they play it safe and they don’t ask for it. Therefore, when you meet somebody, grant assuming they can ask for it eloquently, articulately, when someone’s actually straightforward about why they’re there, what they’re looking for, or what they want, it’s actually pretty refreshing, you following me so far? I mean, books like Fifty Shades of Grey, a lot of that is about just a girl being, a woman getting what she wants in her fantasies which is being taken, right? Someone actually just fulfilling that masculine role.
Now, here’s the thing. So there’s a lot of value being able to be direct and asking for what you want. Mode One talks about doing that a lot right from the get go, right from the beginning but you have to understand or appreciate that there’s always an assessment of how much perceived value you appear to have and that perceived value’s going to be based on whatever she can assess from you, your looks, your style of dress, is there some kind of social proof you’re able to generate, could you roll up in some kind of sports car, for example. There’s going to be an assessment of that and based on how quickly you can demonstrate that value, she’s going to be a lot more open to you being direct to her and receptive, right? You following me so far?
JAMIE: Now, Mode One I think is really awesome and I think there’s a lot of great value for most people that aren’t comfortable but yet need to become comfortable with about being more direct and forthcoming. But that’s not going to work for everybody right from the get go and I’ll prove it by giving you a very extreme example. If you took any of that stuff in Mode One, well, now let’s imagine this gentleman doing it and I’m not trying to make fun here or anything but I’m just trying to give you a visual to just go with the reality of the world. If some guy comes over and opens up this girl using Mode One type of behavior, but this guy is in a wheelchair, he’s dressed almost like a hobo, right, and he rolls over to her, this beautiful girl and says, “Hey, when can you and I get some one on one time?” Well, he’s being direct, he’s being very Mode One, but she’s going to assess him very quickly and you know what? Whether it’s fucked up or not, she’s probably not going to see a lot of value in this guy who’s physically and just as far as his physicality, his grooming, it’s just not very appealing. So Mode One behavior, if she has to assess him right then and there on the spot based on him being direct, she’s going to 99,999 times out of 100,000 say no. Would you agree that probably sounds realistic?
JASON: Yeah, I would agree with that.
JAMIE: Awesome. So I’m just giving an extreme example to make this simple point. Mode One is great assuming you’re able to demonstrate that, you have demonstrated some level of value that would make her say, “Okay, guy seems cool, he’s straightforward, and I see some value offer in here.” Now, if you were a really good looking guy, you’re a Brad Pitt type and you come over there with some kind of direct Mode One kind of behavior, yeah, that’s going to serve you, and actually, on the other end of the spectrum, if you were a Brad Pitt type but now you’re all kind of like, “Hey, I just wanted to come over and say hello,” and you’re a very submissive and not very sure of yourself, that’s actually going to hurt you. So everything has to be put in context. The Mode One behavior really in my interpretation is, yeah, be direct and forthcoming as soon as she sees value in you. Get it?
JASON: Okay, yeah and that’s what I was leading into it’s because what you’re teaching us is just that it goes off the opportunity to be direct but again, it’s not from the very first word that comes out of her mouth, it’s maybe 10, 15, 20 minutes into the conversation, right?
JAMIE: Yeah, as soon as you start getting IOI’s from her, indicators of interest, then you start to shift into being much more direct and being clear about what you’re going for. That’s the idea. So as soon as you get the signals or IOI’s that you can go direct well, you do, that’s the idea behind it. Mode One would kind of assume if you’re again, a Brad Pitt or a good looking guy, or has a certain style too, or certain presence, you’re seven foot tall, you can get away with that because she is going to 9 out of 10 times, see some value in you as far as your physical presence so it’s oftentimes going to be well received being that you have that look, persona, presence, well, it only is going to hurt you to be submissive or not direct. That’s what the idea there but again in my extreme example, Mode One is not going to serve somebody who at first glance, doesn’t have any value as far as she’s concerned. Makes sense?
JASON: Yeah, that does make sense. In terms—
JAMIE: So what we’re doing here is, just to close off a loop here, so we’re doing here is we’re trying to instill that kind of Mode One behavior, being direct as quickly as you can but understanding that we’re trying to be strategic here and getting to see that she understands that she is speaking to a high value man. As soon as she understands that, hence you’re getting IOI’s from her, then you can start to kind of shift gears and start to be more direct.
JAMIE: Right? I mean at a night club, she’s going to assume by default you’re hitting on her so oftentimes those environment will be kind of a little bit more aware and under the radar.
JAMIE: Until she starts to give you IOI’s because she sees the value, because she sees you’re engaging, you’re entertaining, you’re sociable, you have value. When she starts seeing these things and she starts giving you IOI’s and her armor is starting to be, she’s starting to kind of relax and enjoy herself around you, then, you can kind of again start to shift gears and be more direct. So the idea is as soon as you can, you start being clear and forthcoming but you also want to have some of a just again, awareness that in the beginning, if she doesn’t, if it’s not clear to her you’re a high value guy, you got to give it a little time for that to kind of sink in for and that’s why we kind of go a little bit maybe indirect to start or kind of a little in between.
JASON: Right, okay. All right. So another question on a similar topic. You and your explanation you’ve mentioned submissiveness versus not being apparent, is that beta versus alpha kind of behavior? Is that what you’re referring to?
JAMIE: Yeah, exactly. I mean, it’s interesting because I have personally, I have guy friends of mine, they’re like just very… their behavior mannerisms do not match up to the fact they’re 6 foot 7, built like a f**king truck, and are good looking guys. But then all of a sudden, the guy starts talking and he’s all submissive and quite, and kind of almost like a little just beta and you can almost see the look in her eyes. It’s like she’s so disappointed that he doesn’t match up. You following me?
JAMIE: But yeah, that’s what I’m referring to. You want everything kind of matched up together. If you have that look and that persona then great, you can do that kind of, you can kind of shift gears very quickly to that Mode One kind of behavior. But if you don’t have that initial impression, then you’re just aware of that. You kind of have to demonstrate a little bit of that so she gets it, so she understands that you’re a high value guy, that those type of behaviors really are beta versus alpha, high value versus low value.
JASON: All right, thank you. All right. So I do have an in-field question that I wanted to ask which I had run into a couple of weeks ago.
JASON: So I went to a local popular bar club here and I was with a friend of mine who joined me and I opened a two-set. And in that club it was really, really loud but I was able to go through the routine. I was just screaming so loud and she couldn’t hear me so she came closer to me, she put her ear right on my mouth so she could understand what I’m saying. And I was able to do that but it’s really difficult to keep the conversation going. I couldn’t understand anything she was saying, she was giving me key opening by putting her arm around my neck, getting a bit closer to her so I can hear her opinion on the question I guess, and then I said, “Well, it’s getting really, really loud here. Let’s go out on the balcony so I can hear you,” and she’s like, “No, the DJ’s my friend and let’s go up there.” So she took me and my buddy up there with her friend and it was even louder there and I did not hear anything and the conversation just kind of died off and both of them were just dancing and I just blew this out, I just left. Like, “I can’t do this.” So how do I… what could I have done differently in that situation?
JAMIE: Yeah, I mean, personally if you’re not enjoying this kind of situations and you find it loud and whatever. You want to do a little bit more of the kind of places we went to, your boot camp. The standard, those kind of lounges kind of places because there, you’re going to have the opportunity for her to really understand all that you have to offer and it’s going to be much easier for you to really truly connect with you routines and the various things we go through. But if you have to be in a nightclub like that and you got no choice and it’s kind of like, well, it is what it is. The kind of women I want to speak to are here and I’m here right now. Then, you just have to kind of respect which are… kind of go with what you’re dealt and that kind of high energy environment, you better be ready to dance, drink, be physical and that’s really kind of it. You don’t really want to do a lot of talking. So get her drinking, do some shots, dance, keep her moving around, just enjoy the high energy and the physicality of it. Kind of get close, kiss her neck, do things to keep it charged, do things you can do to keep it exciting without trying to talk. I mean, it’s just not the kind of environment for that.
JASON: Yeah, and by the cues I was receiving, body language wise, that’s the direction she was taking it in but it’s just that I’m not much of a dancer so I’m like, “Okay, I don’t know, this is just weird.” It’s not weird but I didn’t feel comfortable because it’s not something that I do but yeah, she was taking it in that direction where she was dancing and kind of waiting for me to join her.
JAMIE: Well, this whole journey has been about you pushing yourself, right?
JAMIE: I don’t like dancing either but when in Rome, if the situation calls for it, it’s just what you do. You just kind of go with it and look, with dancing and stuff like that. As long as you kind of like, don’t get too crazy but enjoy yourself, you can’t really go wrong for the most part. But on that you’d be physical, you kind of get up on her, you kind of create that charge. Do those kinds of things, don’t try and talk, you’ll talk yourself out of the set. It just is what it is.
JASON: Okay, it was just an unfamiliar situation. Sorry, I just kind of didn’t know how to perceive with it.
JAMIE: Yeah, and in those kinds of situations, don’t even try and talk and do these routines, it’s just not going to work. Instead, enjoy and appreciate it for what it is. Drink and dance, and then, if you can revert to somewhere else or keep the set moving but you’re just going to be working with your physicality, you’re not going to be able to talk your way through it and that’s okay.
JAMIE: That offers something a little different and I know this might be a little different for you but look this is about pushing yourself and trying new things. It would actually be an interesting experience for you to just be able to escalate and really keep things moving forward without speaking.
JASON: Okay, another situation I, actually more often than not.
JAMIE: The last one by the way because I got to get someone else to start speaking. We’ll try to come back if we can but the last one, I haven’t heard you in a while so I wanted to give you a little bit more of a shot but one last one, okay?
JASON: Okay, this is the last one.
JASON: Oftentimes in the situation, more often than not where I’m introduced into a group so if they’re mutual friends and they introduced me, another group of mutual friends in which they are women or I just get invited to a group, or that I may know somebody already from before. So I can’t run the routine on them from beginning to end. Where do I start in that case? If there is some mutual connection in between, how do I start the conversation?
JAMIE: Well, oftentimes, you can just start with some kind of as you start to work on your DHV stories, right, you sort of get a few of those. You just kind of jump in with one of those. You introduce, you get introduced or you run into your old friend, like “Oh, my, god, you are not going to believe what happened to me today,” story. So instead of doing the routines, some of those kinds of openers and A2 buying temperature pieces that we did. You might just jump right into for example a DHV story and present it as, “My God, you’re not going to believe who I heard from today or what happened to me,” and you’ll just do your story. So this will allow you to enter a set with energy, offering value, and at the same time not be kind of gimmicky into your routines. But by definition, you are using routine because you’re just using something you use over and over again. The difference is you’re just kind of fast forwarding a little bit because you don’t have to do the opener, right? You don’t have to do—
JAMIE: Any kind of cold read, you just start talking, but the type of talking you’ll do will just be calculated when you know you’re offering value. So you’ll oftentimes be able to just jump right in to some kind of DHV story that remember, this is an acquaintance of yours, this isn’t like a super great friend. So that person’s never heard this story before but at the same time, it doesn’t appear to be a routine, does that make sense?
JASON: Yeah, yeah.
JAMIE: So you kind of presented with, “Oh my God, you’re not going to believe what happened to me today,” or “Oh my God, did you see blah, blah, blah.” You’ll have some DHV story that you can just kind of jump right in with. Sometimes you’ll be able to even start with just qualification. If you get introduced from a friend and you know that that girl’s going to say, “Well, okay. John, you, is friends of my friend. Well, clearly, he must be kind of a cool guy because my friend would never hang out with anyone who’s not.” You have to understand you already have some level of perceived value. You can almost kind of assume to some degree, you’re almost starting a qualification or where you could qualify or A3. Because remember, A1 and A2, that’s assuming you’re starting cold, she doesn’t know you, you’re a complete stranger, you have no value yet. But if you’re getting introduced, that’s almost like a warm lead. So you kind of to some degree can almost kind of assume you’re skipping A1 and A2, you following me?
JAMIE: But the way you can do it in a way that is you can be calculated and make sure you’re practicing perfect is you already have these DHV stories you can just kind of jump right in with and you’ll use some kind of bridge. You remember some of your bridges you might have used before like, “Oh, get this. Let me get your opinion on this?” or “Oh my God, you’re not going to believe what happened,” you’ll have some kind of bridge that you’ll use to introduce your story but the bottom line is you’ll be using a DHV story that you’ve used a zillion times and so that’s how you can just jump right into a conversation like that.
JASON: All right.
JAMIE: So the idea is you’ll have your routine stack which you and I are going to work on tomorrow and then, when you know you’re getting introduced, you’ll just be able to kind of fast forward a little bit knowing that A1’s not necessary because the opening’s been done for you. A2 is not really necessary either to some degree because remember, A2 is about demonstrating value. You’re being introduced from a mutual friend, you have some value there just by default. It doesn’t mean you can slack, doesn’t mean you don’t want to make a great first impression but A2 by doing that again would be kind of redundant. That’s why when we do the routine stack class tomorrow, you’ll get more in depth and a true understanding of what’s really happening from a psychological standpoint and you’ll understand, “Oh, well that makes sense. Why should I do A2 when the purpose of A2 is to elevate their emotional state and get them open to me when I’m getting introduced from the mutual friend that’s already basically being done for me to some degree.”
JASON: And does this concept also apply to a situation where you have a wingman or a wing woman getting you into a group?
JAMIE: To some degree, yeah. If that wing, your winger or whoever has done a good job and is kind of got that whole point going where they’re clearly in set to the point where that group is clearly happy to have them there and then they introduce you, it’s a similar type of dynamic. The only reason I threw a little caution here is because understand, you’re still making a first impression so you still want that first impression to be good. So there is some element of still come in with something of value of energy, something that you know you’ve done before that you’ve a good chance to make a good first impression. So that’s not an opportunity to slack per se but also, I would want you to understand that a lot of the hard work has already been done for. Your wing is already kind of paved the way to some degree.
JAMIE: I mean, as long as you’re a cool guy, it’s to some degree, it’s almost yours to lose if your wing has done a good job.
JASON: Okay. Thanks.
JAMIE: Yeah, no problem. Jennifer, I see you on the call.
JENNIFER: Hi, Jamie.
JENNIFER: How are you?
JENNIFER: Oh, that’s great.
JAMIE: It is great. So, yeah, what’s happening with you? How things are and what can we discuss today?
JENNIFER: Oh, things have been really good. I just got a new job so it’s going really well.
JENNIFER: Yeah, an issue that I’ve had recently is I’m getting on this getting in stake routines and I have, I know what I want to say to myself and I get in state before I leave but then, it’s like during the day it kind of fades and also, it’s like I get focused on other things and even though I’m aware that it’s fading, I don’t really have the energy to bring it back up and also towards the end of the week, like Friday, I don’t have the energy to do it, to start with even, and like today, it’s a Saturday so you think I’d be rested but I just feel more tired so it’s like I went home from my mother’s a few hours ago and I went to the stores to get some food and I saw a set I want to open but it’s like I was nowhere near in a place where I could open the set. So it’s like how do I keep it? Like I have to focus more on it but do you have any good strategy to do that?
JAMIE: There’s a phrase I’m trying to think of here, it’s kind of like… and I wish I could recite this for you word for word. It’s actually pretty genius but when you repeat a behavior enough, it becomes a state of being. It’s kind of like if sometimes you just force yourself to go through the motions because you know what the result will be if you do it. So the irony is you don’t feel like you’re in the mood to get yourself in the mood but that’s why you just go through the motions knowing that if you do it, you’ll get there.
JAMIE: So it’s one of those things where you don’t feel kind of like doing it, well that’s when you do it. Because if you go through that process that kind of ritual that you do, that’s what’s going to get you to where you want to be. So it’s kind of like, okay, for example, I’ll give you a good example. So, there are several things you can do to get yourself feeling good, get yourself in state, and kind of get yourself a little charged up, right? We talk about a lot of stuff before.
JAMIE: So, let’s just say you see a set that you want to open, you also at the same time you’re aware you haven’t done anything yet, you didn’t practice your routine stack, you didn’t kind of do anything to get yourself revved up so you’re cold but you see, but there it is, it’s right in front of you, you want to do it. Now, tell me if you agree on this one. Regardless of what happens whether you succeed or not, just by talking to a stranger, it gets you revved up, doesn’t it? Don’t you feel like a charge after you speak with a stranger?
JAMIE: So, there you go. So if you see a set and you want to open them but you haven’t taken the time to get yourself kind of revved up or in state during the process, you’re just like, f**k it. I’m just going to do this because I know that the sheer fact of doing it will get me feeling good and f**k it, you don’t worry about the outcome, it probably is not going to go very well because you’re not where you want to be but you say, “Hi,” You go over you go, you say, “Hey, you know what? I just had to come over.” All you need to do is remember your opener. “Hey, I just had to come over and say hello, you seem like you have good energy.”
Now, because you’re not revved up, you’re probably not going to or in state, you’re probably going to kind of falter or not know where to go next but they’re probably going to say, “Hi, hey, thanks for coming over,” and that’s cool. Now, that set might have kind of not worked out but now you’re feeling good. The next one you’ll be ready for. So, you just have to force yourself to go through the motions knowing that well you don’t feel great, you just do those practices to get yourself to where you want to be knowing that if you do it, you’ll get there. You understand? So the irony is if you have that—
JAMIE: You’re not ready for him because you didn’t get yourself in state, that’s even more reason to go say hello. You know you’re going to f**k it up probably because you’re not ready.
JAMIE: But it’s just the… it’s just kind of the nature of the game, that you do it knowing that after you’re done then you’ll feel good. I mean, I remember one person well I’ll kind of leave nameless, they used to open up the first set by saying, “Hey, do you mind blowing me out.” Right?
JENNIFER: Yeah, pretty good.
JAMIE: Yeah, now, that’s our first set and they’re inviting that person to just say something rude or obnoxious or whatever, blow me out, right. But, they’re having fun, they’re enjoying it. Plus they’re talking to a stranger. No matter what happens there, whether it’s to them or if you actually did that, would you not agree that you’re probably going to feel a little bit of a charge, and you’re body is going to start feeling a little bit alive after doing that regardless of what happens.
JENNIFER: Yeah, I agree.
JAMIE: Regardless of what happens there, you will be in state for your next set, agree?
JAMIE: You just have to force yourself to go through the motions, that’s my bottom line. When you’re feeling like that, then that’s when you have it. If you can’t, you must. You’ve heard of that phrase before?
JAMIE: Write that down, if you can’t, you must.
JAMIE: That’s going to help you. Mario who is on the call. I think he’ll, he might remember that one.
MARIO: I felt that when you were asking this question, it reminded me of some things I did in the past. Absolutely that way and it reminds me of a mystery mentioned once. There’s a song about it, like the feeling not engaging with someone you want to engage is like worst than like this feeling.
JAMIE: That’s f**king terrible. Terrible.
MARIO: Yes. Goes like, I have this friend of mine, he told me he still remembers like three years ago walking down the street, I wouldn’t smile at them and he didn’t do anything, and it’s the worst. And I think that you just mentioned the, “Hey, can you please blow me out.” I mean, just assume, just assume people will be friendly and first and foremost, never beat oneself up because you just get there and also having the state of mind, “Well, these are just people to develop myself and if it doesn’t go well, no problem. It gets me stronger and better and the next time I can call from it and the universe or whatever if you want to talk spiritual now and if the universe wants to get you the person which is right at the moment, it will get you there and the other people are just stepping stones.
So it was not between you and the other persons, only about yourself. And I think someone will come and the person you are, is just a reflection on the outside. And it’s just pertaining to this topic, I also want to give you feedback in total, and they make me more aware of the things I went through and also, very good work of you, you all guys are very good listeners and it helped me to first and foremost, make me more aware, then take some action plans and this is linked to my question, it’s also sort of a self-development question.
MARIO: With overcoming limiting beliefs and I believe that the inner and the outer parts are both important. For instance, what is the question like, how should I put it? Wait, I wrote it down, yeah. How to change a limiting belief. For us, from my past experiences, for instance, “Oh, I can get taller girls,” or not the type of women which are as pretty, I was able to overcome this.
Now I have a different limiting belief and Jason talked about being in an environment where you’re still uncomfortable in, that’s what I mentioned, and it’s tied to something like an inner process. So, I think there is a… the conscious mind knows it but the subconscious mind is still, they’re still not aligned and my questions is because also one of the VIP calls or virtual boot camp seminars, Jason said just go out and prove it. And my question is it really just overcomes the outer part, prove yourself, to overcome a limiting belief or just with the inner. Because I believe it has to start at the inner first and then you use the actual plan to reprogram oneself. And so my particular question is how to change a limiting belief. Is there a tool, writing it down and this all goes to, this all points to like Tony Robbins technique? What do you use to overcome limiting beliefs, your life story, your blueprint. Yeah.
JAMIE: Okay, well, that, dude, put your mute on your mic while I’m speaking, honestly I hear myself echo.
MARIO: Say it again.
JAMIE: Put your mic on mute because I can hear myself speaking.
MARIO: All right.
JAMIE: It’s creating an echo and then just put it back on after I speak, okay?
MARIO: All right.
JAMIE: Okay, perfect. So, that’s… there’s a few things I kind of mentioned on that’s there’s a direct answer and a little indirect at the same time. One of the easiest ways, probably the most simple answer is from the outer is the quickest way to handle that. A lot of what we do from a personal development perspective, Mario, is we do repetitions of the mind. We force ourselves to take action in alignment with this behavior that we want to embody. So if you think it you make it or you act as if, if you’ve ever seen the movie Boiler Room and there’s a lot of truth at that.
The more you force yourself to act a certain way over time, via the repetitions, your brain will literally rewire itself in accordance to that new behavior that you want to happen, right? So the quick answer to your question is the way to get there is to view the outer. There’s also another great book, I don’t know if you ever read it before in getting to respond after I’m done. It’s just so I don’t hear any more echoes but in the book, Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he has a phrase, let me see if I can remember, “a change in action precedes a change in behavior,” right? So again, feel free to look that up. Not an easy book to read but that’s probably the most wise things put in there. What that basically means is if you want to change your certain behavior, then just act a certain way.
Again, we come back to the same thing, fake it till you make it, act as if. So the outer forcing yourself to act in line with how you want to be, that is the quickest way to be there, okay? Now, this is the part I’m going to add from my own personal experience and now that I’ve answered your question, I in my experience have found out sometimes that I had to figure out reasons why I was not doing the outer. It wasn’t that I understood the path to get there, fake it till you make it, force myself to act the part, but sometimes when it came down to doing that to instill the behavior, I was freezing, I wasn’t doing it.
So I just started asking myself questions why. Why am I not doing this action that ultimately is going to lead to me internalizing this new behavior and that’s where I needed to do a little bit of investigative of sorts to find out what type of mindset or what type of frame did I have to instill within myself to do what needs to be done, knowing that if I do what needs to be done, I eventually will come that man that I am training myself to be. Now, I added a lot there. I hope you caught all that and I just want to see where you’re at so far if that makes sense to you what I just told you.
MARIO: Well, absolutely. It is the fake it till you make it or fake it till you become. There’s a great task off and my info course teacher has sent me one of the videos which explains this concept. I’m happy to share later with you.
JAMIE: Yes, send me a link.
MARIO: Yeah, and I absolutely believe in it and there’s a German adage like from which way you go on the horse sort of which way do you attack things or which way do you take and I believe or Neil Strauss was once saying, “You work on the outer and the inner at the same time.” So I think the outer is very important to do so and but I think also there has to come a shift inside like which are the right attitudes to have, what do I need to do? And you mentioned it in the triads, there was a call of personal development strategies and you mentioned the triad, the question, the language.
Either you ask yourself powerful questions, yeah, I will do this and but sometimes they’re statements and for instance, what have I been doing, I graduated two years to go from university, moved to a new city, I’ve learned a lot of things, I was in a huge corporation, I was in a start-up, helped founders to get their next level financing and then it was literally a rollercoaster ride also with women in my life, ups and downs, ups and downs, but in this particular field of my life, career, and what I want to do, and even in this time I found out what I wanted to do, I can be very grateful for that. But then, recently I went to work in a company and with people in the company, a great job and was just like, the main focus was offline sales, I was an entrepreneur and residents, and online sales, my bad, but they were always pushing the offline channels.
So I came in and they tried different things out and they were like, might have didn’t work out on the scale that it was supposed to be and I ask my question, “Okay, did you give yourself everything?” but at the same time, when you were like, “Let go,” you’re like, “Okay,” the ego goes like, “Oh, either you’re super cool or you’re super bad.” And then you’re trying to figure it out but I was just, “No, you gave yourself everything but this is still some part of my life where I have to build some confidence and I haven’t had the life experience yet to build the confidence in that area of my life. Meaning, career, finances, being good at something, and well, I found out what I’m good at.
But still, there’s the limiting belief being I don’t like the word successful, but yeah, being good or being comfortable, or being good at something and trusting yourself. And simultaneously it’s just like, it also links to the questions I was putting out on the second or third call, I don’t remember when you go into certain environments. Because my perception was always, “Oh,” in this is sort of an environment people expect me to be already successful or there are a lot of gold diggers, they just look for this kind of value in a man and it was just like I presume from that angle, I already knew intellectually, “Yeah, it is not that way,” because Jason was asking, “Hey, is this just an intellectual understanding or is it from experience?” and I said, “no” and I had the experience, not so many experiences in that field but for instance, I went out to a certain venue which was very expensive and very, how should I put it? It had some bling, bling, and more poshy place where you even feel more uncomfortable in, on the other hand I like it but I have to stay in and one of the greatest women there and also this was the proof to me, “No, it is not that way.”
You should change your mindset first and foremost and should also be open and build an action plan, so what has been happening for me, ups and downs, my career, also with my friends, and make great friends. I met a lot of great people here but people left the city again, it’s life, and this has been challenging. I was like, “Okay, it is what it is. Come on and do something with it.” And my action plan now is to go to these certain areas, to these certain places just to prove it from the outer and then also my mindset is just like, “Come on, listen. You were at that state of your life, you learned a lot and you gave everything, and you also had small successes.” I always have to think about what Warren Buffett says, “You can be the best manager, you can be the very best, but when the market force is… when the things are not the way they are, you can be the best and you will not succeed.”
So this is what I have people reminding me of the truth so this, I was opening a big topic but closing it when you were saying, “The triad, what is the truth? Remind yourself what is the truth,” and, yeah. And that’s what I’ve been doing on the inner parts and so I agree with you that the outer “fake it till you make it or fake it to become it” is one way to do it but I’m also still looking for additional steps that say it apart from reminding yourself to the truth, writing down a belief system, the way you do that and the way you remind yourself because there’s some days when you’re beaten down or you’re low energy, and especially when you’re low energy, then this negative mind patterns come in. And I’m looking forward to either writing it down or reminding oneself what your belief system is and well, to go on the host the other side, not the outer, inner gain, inner techniques, yep.
JAMIE: So, let me just try to do this here. Let me try and summarize one more time what I said and hopefully it will be helpful to you and then from there, we’ll go on to a different caller. Just making sure everyone gets a change, right? But I want to try one last time here because maybe this will be, maybe it’ll be helpful. So, if you read or attend a lot of programs out there or express a lot of teachers, they all seem to follow along the lines of, “A change in action precedes a change in behavior.” You want to be a certain way? Act a certain way.
In other words, you’re rewiring your brain which is ultimately you’re asking, Mario, you’re ultimately asking me, “How can I rewire my brain to be a certain way?” and being that certain way would be, I believe this is possible for myself. Because if you believe it’s possible, you’re going to act in accordance with what that is. So you release those limiting beliefs, you act in a certain way, because you now believe blank is possible. That will come from that forced action because it’s that forced action that will literally overtime, help your brain to rewire itself. So the quick answer again is, it’s the outer training that’s going to get you to where you want to be.
Here’s the… and this supports my own personal spin on it. Other people might differ but this is what my experience has been. That part, the first part is true. If I start acting a certain way, I literally overtime will become that way. That, I’ve read it a zillion times, I’ve been taught it a zillion times, that has been my experience. Here’s been the caveat to it though. Sometimes, knowing I have to be a certain way or act a certain way to create a different type of behavior, I just don’t do it for a while. For some reason, I’m going to get in my head or I have been in my head, I’m just not doing it for some f**king reason. Then I explore why am I not doing that.
Oftentimes there’s some b***shit focus in my head or I’m not focusing the right way and then that’s that inner part that was causing me to freeze. So, now how can I unfreeze myself? Well, I’m not saying this is going to be the one that’s going to work for you but you already handle one. You could handle one yourself like, hey. The worst regret is to do nothing. Nothing’s worse than that so I better f**king do it. In Jennifer’s case, it’s like, “Hey, I’m not warmed up. I’m not in state but last thing I want them is have them walk away and then do nothing and I know at the least if I at least say, hello.
Even if it doesn’t go any further than that, the process will begin, I’ll start to feel good, I’ll start to be ready for at least my next interaction. So the last thing I want to have happen is to say nothing, so therefore, I’m just going to do it.” Now, that inner focus is what allows you to take action but it is that consistent action because you’ve the right inner focus that over the long haul, rewires your brain because confidence, Mario, comes from the desire and the ability to take action. And if you have confidence because your mindsets are correct, your beliefs are correct, because you have the right focus, and then overtime, you take enough action, you start to experience results and success, well, now you’ve literally rewired your brain in accordance with that new behavior.
But that would be the sequence, it’s not one tool, it’s kind of a sequence of tools. It’s an understanding that it is the outer practice, just doing it, just faking it till you make it that’s ultimately going to get you what you want. But if you’re not taking that action for some f**king reason, then you need to explore what those inner thoughts are. What are those inner thoughts are keeping you frozen? And keep playing with that until you find a way to kind of hit the switch where you just start doing it and in your case, that switch might be, “Dude, there’s nothing worse than doing nothing.” I remember my friend from three years prior, he regrets a girl that smothered him and he never said anything.
I don’t want that to happen to me so I’m just going to do it. Of course, this starts happening very quickly and you start doing it and again it’s an action that ultimately creates that rewiring. So it’s not one tool, it’s an understanding that you kind of work through. Is that clear or is that helpful?
MARIO: Yeah, puts everything in place. Thank you.
JAMIE: Yeah, so it’s a little bit of both, one kind of leads to the other.
MARIO: Yep, I think it’s both and I’m working with affirmations on the one hand but also, I think it is really both and your explanation helped me and actually The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is also on my list.
JAMIE: It’s a terrible read, I’m just telling you. It’s very hard, I probably told you the best thing in there, I didn’t like it but that one bit about a change in action precedes a change of behavior that was very valuable. I read that 10 years ago and I still remember it. I mean, I don’t know if I’d recommend the book but that one bullet point’s worthwhile. And remember, the last part I told you as far as when I realized I wasn’t taking actions to certain areas during my pathway, I started challenging myself, asking myself, “Why?” Why am I not doing what needs to be done? So that other part from the inner part, that’s just from my own personal perspective. That’s what helped me. I don’t know if that’ll resonate with you or help you, it likely will but that’s just my own personal take from my experience.
MARIO: Yeah, it is like, there’s one principle called, “The ultimate reality is for you, what works for you.” So, doing crunches, there are 100 ways to do them but everyone’s different. But I would take that and I think it will be very effective and do the things I’ve done before. But a matter of fact, all of this here is I think is an expansion of awareness and having the right things to do, and knowing how to do things in life whether with women or career, yeah, and thank you for the extended response.
JAMIE: You’re very welcome.
MARIO: It gives me something to apply and to deepen my understanding, and yeah, also shifting my internal mindset, thank you.
JAMIE: You’re welcome. Mike, I see you’re on. You want to cover anything else? I know you want to be forward but do you have any other, a step we could cover together?
MIKE: Do I have any other step to cover together? Let’s see well, right now I’m looking at my flights but let’s see.
JAMIE: Okay, yeah.
MIKE: Give me a second here. Let’s see what I got. One second, I’m looking for something. All right, so I go get a massage, the girl likes me, she’s hitting on me, a little young chick, 21 years old. She’s cute but she has a little self-esteem for some reason. She texted me yesterday, “Hey, what are you up to?” but “About to go out for sushi, what about you? Actually, going to get sushi right next to your job,” that’s from the town where she works. “Oh, shit, really? LOL, let me meet you there, let’s have some sushi together.” “I thought you were working till 10?” “Yeah, but I’m on break so I’m picking up my friend at seven, I’m heading over.” “Well, damn, never mind. I got a client at seven.” I reply, “I was going to say if you want, we can grab a bite and smoke. We can meet up when you get out of work.” She puts at me, “Yeah, maybe, I’ll let you know.” She didn’t text me back and I didn’t either because obviously, I’m not trying to come off needy.
MIKE: Do I fine or should I have played her any better?
JAMIE: Let’s review those things in general, always think about something you’re doing anyway. For example, I’m going to grab sushi in one hour, come join. That sounds like it’s something you’re doing anyway. If she wants to join, fantastic. If she doesn’t, that’s okay too because you’re just going about your life and you’re inviting her if she wants to come along for the ride, right?
MIKE: Not really, I was going with another girl. She invited herself.
JAMIE: And that’s fine. So you don’t, okay, and that’s fine because if she kind of becomes not so responsive later, it doesn’t matter, it’s something you’re doing anyway. As long as you don’t make it seem like you’re going out of your way, you’re just like, “Hey, this is my plan. If you’d like to join that, that’d be great.” And so that’s it, I mean, from there, what’s good about that is you can always invite her, make an overture for another thing that you’re doing anyway. You’re not going out of your way for her so you never really lose value there.
JAMIE: And to you it’s not a big deal again. Somebody, hey, you said yourself. You were already going with another friend so if she doesn’t show up, it’s not a big deal.
JAMIE: That’s it. You just let it go.
MIKE: Yeah, no. Like I said, I get to ask her since she invited herself and I was going with another girl, it’s well, it’s like, all right, if anything I was going to say, “You want to meet up afterwards and we can grab a bite to eat.” And then she puts, “I mean, yeah, maybe.” It’s like she never texted and I wasn’t going to reach out again and come off needy so I mean, I’m going to text her again but probably later on today or tomorrow but yeah, just left it at that.
JAMIE: Okay, yeah. I mean, one of them is like, “You have nothing to lose by doing that.” I’ll just reiterate just for the sake of saying in general whenever you can, give her that [00:50:51] for liability. “Hey, I’m doing this anyway. It’s not about you, it’s not about us. This is something I’m doing. You want to come join, awesome.” As opposed to offering something where you’re going out of your way for her or texting her. I like to kind of cut right to the chase. I’m going to text if there’s something specific I’m doing anyway that I want to invite her to. Not to, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Hey, I’m doing this, come join us.” That’s going to be the kind of stuff I’m going to text where if she comes, she comes, if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. I’m not going out of my way to make anything special happen. So if you do that, that’s okay man. Look, part of the whole, you got to understand or appreciate I think better said. There’s always going to be a certain element of a numbers game, right?
JAMIE: This is no exact science, I told you that from the very beginning.
MIKE: Yeah, of course.
JAMIE: It’s a type of sales and in sales, there’s always going to be something that just don’t work out, right?
MIKE: Of course.
JAMIE: And then sometimes you’re going to be in certain situations where you know this is not in your favor but if you don’t do it, you know what you’re going to get which is f**king, so you just do it knowing that it’s better to try something than nothing, right?
MIKE: Of course.
JAMIE: As long as you’re aware of when you’re playing, you’re doing it right and you’re playing the odds, the odds are in your favor. As long as you’re aware of that, that’s where we’re trying to take you to, more of awareness like, “Hey, this is a good play here. If I do this, she has a very good chance she’ll join me or this will happen.” But there might be certain circumstances. Hey, it’s not ideal but if I don’t do this, I’m not going to hear from her again or I’m not going to run into her again, so f**k it. So, as long as you’re aware of what the ideal play is, that’s all I really want to kind of bring to your attention.
JAMIE: I don’t ever want you to try and be a f**king perfectionist because then that takes away the whole idea of having fun, too and the irony is when you have fun, you let kind of the outcome, you’re not so tied to it anymore, you wouldn’t haven’t gotten results. So you get my point.
JAMIE: So that’s fine. Yeah, do it, but you know what the more higherpercentage plays will be in the future, that’s all.
MIKE: Yeah. Okay, I appreciate it.
JAMIE: Yeah, no problem. Jennifer, was there anything else you wanted to cover? I don’t know if we go kind of cut off there a little bit. I didn’t want you to feel like I cut you off. Did you have anything else or was that sufficient?
JENNIFER: It’s pretty much it. I think it’s like creating a new habit.
JENNIFER: So, that’s kind of where I’m faltering a little bit because I’m not doing it. I have the intention of doing it so would you recommend that getting some kind of reminder every hour or what would you say?
JAMIE: You know your question actually ties very well to Mario’s.
JAMIE: It’s like you know what needs to be done, you know if you do, you’re going to get a reward, but for some reason you’re not doing it. And that’s what I was trying to explain to him from my experience. When I found myself not going through the motions of what I during my personal development, I find myself at times where I wasn’t going through the motions what needed to be done, I had to explore it a little bit. Why am I not doing this? What am I missing here? What flaw am I being kind of just overwhelmed by and then what happened was I would come up with ideas of why I maybe, what I was thinking about, where my focus was. I’d be focusing on the wrong shit and that’s like, “Well, okay. I think I’m focusing on this or I’m focusing on the wrong things, that’s why I’m not doing what needs to be done. What if I focused on this instead? Would this help me?” I’ll give you an example kind of where I’m going with this, Jennifer. So, you know the more you open up in groups and have interactions, the better you’re going to get, right?
JAMIE: You know the more you have these type of conversations, the more these type of, this will become your way of being, you know that. You’ve experienced that, you’ve been doing this now for definitely over a year and I know you’ve seen changes in your personality, the way you present yourself to other people, you’ve experienced the results but sometimes you’re not taking action as often as you’d like to. So you want to shift that a little bit.
Now, what’s keeping you probably from doing that is some kind of non-positive focus. Maybe for example, maybe you’re focusing, like you see somebody you want to speak to and you’re like, “Well, I’m not going to talk to that guy because what if he rejects me or what if he judges me or whatever?” So then you start to ask yourself, “Well, okay, why did I not talk to that guy? I wanted to but I didn’t do it. I didn’t talk to him because I was thinking about how he might judge me or how he might not accept me.” That’s interesting.
So I didn’t take action because I had a focus that was not serving me. And then you ask yourself, “Well, okay, what can I do to change that so that I do take action in the future?” “What if I focus on something different? What if I focused on that I don’t give a shit what he says or doesn’t say, I’m just going to do it because I love speaking to strangers. What if I focused on that? What if I focused on the fact that speaking to strangers gives me energy?” So now, then now you ask yourself, “Okay, well what if I repeat? What if that same situation happened that one guy, I saw him again and now I focused on this new focus. If that happened, do I feel like I would take action this time?” And that’s the thing to kind of almost simulate with yourself.
If you change that focus from one thing to the next, would that give you the momentum you need to do what needs to be done? Now, I know from my own personal experience, when I change my focus that allows me to take action. If I change my focus from what they might think about me or how they might judge me, too. I’m just going to do it because I love talking to people, period. All of a sudden, I become much more outgoing. And so that allows me to take the action that’s necessary for me to engrain those new habits.
But what I ask myself is, in the past if I had not taken action to a certain situation, I kind of almost simulate in my head, well, if I thought about this instead, would that have changed things? Do I feel confident that if I could redo that moment, would I have done it? That’s something you can ask yourself. Try and think about what you’re focusing on there, come up with some ideas on some new focuses, I gave you some examples.
JAMIE: Once you have that idea, ask yourself, “Okay, if I had focused on this, do I feel confident that I would’ve done it?” If the answer is no, then keep playing with that. If the answer is yes, then you’re probably on the right track. Like Mario’s saying, it’s definitely where we talk about your key to getting at those new behaviors is through just doing the action, that change in action creates a change in behavior. But if you’re not doing the action, you’re not forcing yourself to do it, then you have to ask yourself internally, “What are you thinking about? What are you focusing on that’s causing you to freeze?” Whatever that is, you want to change it to focusing on something else. That’s what I would do, that’s what I would start with if I were you.
JENNIFER: Yeah, so it’s like challenging my beliefs in a way?
JAMIE: Yeah, and then replay it in your head, let’s say, “Okay, what if I had focused on this instead when that had happened?”
JAMIE: Do I have confidence that I would’ve taken action? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably on the right track. If the answer is no, then you haven’t solved or addressed what was causing you to freeze.
JAMIE: And there are a million of these mindsets. We have Mario’s, “The worst thing to do is do nothing,” or I have another one this is from Tim Ferriss, “Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen.” That’s another frame or question to ask yourself, one of the type of focus. There are a million of them. I don’t know which one will work for you specifically, everyone is kind of their own keeper but the idea is you keep trying to play with different ones until you find one that feels right for you that would really force you to take action. And then, when you got it, cool, then you go with it. Is that helpful?
JENNIFER: Yeah, it’s really helpful.
JAMIE: Okay, that’s how I went through my own process when I had those types of obstacles.
JENNIFER: How much time in the beginning when you were adjusting to this, how many hours did you spend per day?
JAMIE: Hours per day doing what?
JENNIFER: Focusing, reflecting, and changing your focus, and engraining these new habits.
JAMIE: Like an hour a day.
JENNIFER: Okay, that’s not too bad.
JAMIE: Yeah, nothing extreme and I do kind of do it throughout my day. For example—
JAMIE: I can be at work, I could be driving somewhere or whatever and I’m still reminding myself of these new actions, behaviors, and I’m constantly reflecting in and exploring. And then once I think I’ve found something that works for me, like a new focus, I just keep repeating it in my head like a mental exercise, like doing those repetitions.
JAMIE: To really reign that new thought, that new behavior, but I will spend probably an hour a day consciously working on those beliefs and thoughts, and focuses just to strengthen them so that I take more action in alignment with those.