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TAM 153 : How to cold read women

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Today’s podcast we talked about how to transition off of your opener using cold reads. We then discussed how to organically move the conversation to your mini DHV stories using just 3 different cold read options. A separate caller then asked for techniques on how to present yourself as the prize and asked us to break down several openers he has been field testing. Lastly we discussed how to keep yourself feeling good and positive when experiencing negative feedback from others.

JAY:     Fantastic! Well, I went out last night and I froze.  I’m obviously new to it and I can go out of bunch and I was in a band, we would play out but I’ve always had this… I’ve always put women on this huge pedestal and I have a very hard time just approaching them and remaining okay and at the same time coming with up  stuff to say and this is where I don’t have any routine down and I can see this is right now I can open a set just fine. I’m pretty clever that way. I know I should stick to one opener, I was just listening to one of your other podcast and that I should stick to one opener and did it great and you also said—but I just don’t have anything to follow up with and I need to build that.

You mentioned last VIP call, when we talked about and I had it recorded and I switched phones but you gave me some advice and I didn’t write it down, I recorded it but then like I said I swapped phones so I’m at that point where you know I can—I guess I’m an A1 so to speak and then A2. I could open it but I see how fast women looked at me waiting to make an assumption. I’m literally like blank, so that’s where I’m stuck. You know what I mean?

JAMIE: So you are opening and then you get stuck after the opener?

JAY:     Yeah!

JAMIE: Okay. What are you opening with? What opener are you sticking with?

JAY:     It’s been—I’ve been using tattoos and then I ask them about their tattoos where they get them done and usually by the end of the whole tattoo run it’s really, it’s not a set in stone conversation, I let them kind of run it.  And let them go. I don’t know if that’s correct or not. I just let them tell me their story and then I just explained to them I want to get a sleeve also and I got this guy and this. I tell them the details and usually it goes over really well and then—

JAMIE: Yeah.

JAY:     And I’ve been using that for a while and actually I didn’t even realize it was an opener, I just knew I… the only way I get to talk to that person would be I got to somehow come up with something in common.

JAMIE: Okay. Well, that’s not true.

JAY:     You’re right.

JAMIE: But, okay. So, do you want to use that one? Sometimes, it’s okay but I want to give you one that is a little bit more universal. Okay?

JAY:     Okay.

JAMIE: Cause your opener one is relying—

JAY:     I know.

JAMIE: If she has tattoos.

JAY:     Right. And is she don’t have tattoos, then…

JAMIE: Well then, what do you do?

JAY:     I don’t know.

JAMIE: The other part is, let me hear what that actual opener, let me hear verbally word for word what is your opener on the tattoos?  What do you say?

JAY:      I would just say, “I love your tattoos. I love the detail within them. Who did your work?”  And then what I like about that, this opener I know it’s only related to the people with tattoos but what I do like about that is it gets them out of their kind of humdrum face and act. They actually have to relate it to their experience and now they are involved in the moment.

JAMIE: Okay.  That’s fine. Let me give you one more opener. Again, I want you really focusing on one opener but if you want to get back and forth between your tattoo one and this one, that’s okay. Think of it this way, if she does not happen to have tattoos, this then is your one opener. Okay? Here you go. Are you ready to write it down?

JAY:     I’m ready.

JAMIE: Okay. Hey! It’s the first part, you need to do hey or hi, or hey guys if it’s plural if there is more than one. Yes?

JAY:     Or hi. Okay?

JAMIE: You say first hi or hey or hey guys or whatever is appropriate.  Generally, it would be hey or hey guys if there is more than one.  Okay?

JAY:     Correct.

JAMIE: Then you go, “I just had to come over and say hello.”

JAY:     I just had to come over and say hello.

JAMIE: Or you could say, “I just had to come over and say hi.” Or you could say, “I just had to come over and introduce myself.

JAY:     Introduce myself.

JAMIE: Now the only reason I gave you three variations of these, the next part, the opener? Is not because I want you rotating amongst all three, I want you to understand that I know that you and I are different people, Jay. You’re going to gravitate towards different words than I will, you’re going to find certain words really that’s just going to roll off your tongue nicely because it’s how you speak. You might feel very comfortable using, “I just had to come over and say hello,” or you might feel comfortable saying, “I just had to come over and introduce myself.”  Pick one of those versions but I’m trying to let you know essentially that I want you to own this opener.  For you to own it –

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE: You have to be using words that you gravitate towards but notice it’s still the same thing. I’m just giving you different ways to say the same thing.  Okay?

JAY: Okay. I understand.

JAMIE: Pick the version you like and stick with that. If you’re always going to say, “Hey, I just had to come over and say hello,” then that’s the version you always say.  Ok?

JAY:     Okay.

JAMIE: Got it?

JAY:     I got it.

JAMIE: So, “Hi! Hey guys, I just had to come over and say hello. You guys seem fun,” or “You guys seem like you have good energy,” either one. Either, “You guys seem like fun,” or “You guys seem like you have good energy.”

JAY: Or you guys seem like you have… Okay.

JAMIE: And then you’ll end with, “I’m Jay.” Cause remember you’re introducing yourself so the final thing you say—

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE: “I’m Jay.” You could say, “I’m Jay, nice to meet you. “I’m Jay.” You could leave it at that. Either one is okay. You might want to just keep its simple, “I’m Jay.”

JAY:     Yeah! I think keep it simple.

JAMIE: You got it?

JAY:     Yes! I do.

JAMIE: That opener will allow you to talk to anybody anytime anywhere.  It’s not mind blowing but remember, you just want to have something you can say to anybody. An opener is just an opener; you don’t want to over complicate it so we keep it very simple.

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: Now, what’s really great about that opener in a lot of ways its very bullet proof. If she responds with, “Pleased… Yeah! That’s great but we have boyfriends.” You say, “Great! I have a girlfriend,” or I have a, whatever.  “I just thought you had great energy,” so you only actually have a kind of a get out of jail card–free card.  Because if they say anything then in any ways objecting you, like for example we have boyfriends, say “ I just want to come and say hello. I just thought you had great energy.  Hey I have a girlfriend too.”

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE: And then another variation of that you could say. “ Hey I have a girlfriend too. I just thought you guys have great energy.  That’s kind of hard to find around here.” So in other words—

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE: You bring yourself as being sociable. You have kind of the objection handler saying, “ I just thought you had great energy, I just want to come over and say hello.” That’s it. That’s kind of tough to find around here.”  So you have your kind of objection handler in case they give you any kind of s***. There’s really nothing they could say bad to that. I mean you’ll notice, the more you almost put out that expectation, “You guys seem like fun, you guys seem like you have good energy,” you really going to get that quite a bit.  It’s almost like you’re leading them to how you want them to be.

JAY:     Right. I’m totally just writing it down. This is great information.

JAMIE: Okay. To know you really have one opener but if you have a situation where the girl has tattoos if you want to do that, that’s fine. I actually kind of like the way you did it.  “Hey I love your tattoos.  I love the detail.  Who did your work?”

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: Assuming you’re really interested in that, it’s actually fine.

JAY: I’m actually am. So, it’s helpful.

JAMIE: Okay.

JAY:     At that point, the agenda – I don’t feel any agenda for myself and I don’t feel like I’m putting agenda on them. So it doesn’t make the situation intense which I know when I do if the situation gets tense it’s done.

JAMIE: Okay. Great! So, you’re good on that one. Oh, hold on one. Just writing one quick thing to a participant.

JAY: Of course.

JAMIE: Okay. So, there you go. Now here’s going to be your next step. You’re going to open, now one or two things is going to happen. This is where going to want to right this down. You’re going to pause for a second, you’ve done your opener, you said who did your work, you’re going to pause and she’s going to respond to you. She’s either going to respond to you verbally or nonverbally and in the nonverbal or verbal she’s going to be basically doing one of two things. Either she’s going to be giving you an IOI, like an indicator of interest.  Or she’ll give you an indicator of disinterest. Okay? A verbal indicator of interest is anything where she is being very receptive to you. ‘Oh my God, yeah! I just got this tattoo last week. I was inspired because blah, blah, blah, and so and so did my work.” She’s making an effort. That kind of—

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE: Response would be indicative of an indicator of interest. You following me?

JAY: Yeah. And honestly, I’ve gotten those every time I’ve ask the tattoo running. I didn’t know that was an IOI.

JAMIE:            I mean, the only time you’ll ever—if you’re asking something you genuinely care about or you’re interested, you’re more times going to get an IOI. The time you’re going to get more likely not, an IOD, is when you’re faking it. You know you don’t give a s***.

JAY: Right!

JAMIE: You’re asking something you don’t care about at all. Then, more often than not, she’s going to see that at a certain level and she is going to respond to you in a way that she’s going to essentially let you know that she knows you’re faking it and there is going to be something there that’s going to be kind of off with her and that’s why you’re going to get a verbal indicator of disinterest. Make sense?

JAY: Right. Yeah. So basically, if I am not believing my story, why would she?

JAMIE : Yep! Exactly. Make sense?

JAY: Yeah. Totally. That’s awesome.

JAMIE: Okay. So, next part is, now she might also give you an indicator of disinterest nonverbally. That’s where she kind of looks right through you. She’s not really—she heard you, but she’s giving you no energy whatsoever. In some ways that’s actually worse. Because if she verbally objects to you like, “That’s great! We have boyfriends.” You can handle that. It’s very clear what to say. “That’s great! We have boyfriends.”  You might respond with some kind of nag or objection handler such as, “Really? You just met me and you’re already telling me your problems?”  So you can—based on her IOD verbally, you’ll know how to handle it but if she gives you an IOD nonverbally where she kind of looks right through you, you’ve ever had one like that before?

JAY:     Yes!

JAMIE: That’s a little bit more challenging because—

JAY:     You’re going to internalize it.

JAMIE: Yeah.  She’s not really giving you anything to direct the address. Right?

JAY:     Right, exactly. So—

JAMIE:            Now in that case, what I’d like to do—you can’t not address it because she’s essentially giving you an IOD. You have to give her an IOD back. She gives you an IOD, you should give her an IOD. So if she gives you that kind of IOD, I like one, we are kind of addressing the fact that she seems to be in a bad mood but at the same time, Jay, it’s almost like you’re incredulous to it like as if it can’t be you. It must be her.

JAY:     Right. I like it.

JAMIE: So what I like to use personally, is I’ll say, “Dude, what happened to you? Did you get a call from the IRS?” Then, she respond yes or no. You knew when she doesn’t respond to yes or no, I say, “What’s that look on your face?” So, I may say acting as if can’t be me but clearly there is something wrong, like there is something up with her but I‘m having some fun at her expense kind of getting your focus on herself. I’m taking out of her focus unto me, I’m getting her self-conscious that she has some stupid look on her face as if she got a call from the IRS 00:13:12. You get it?

JAY: I am, just writing it down, yeah. Fantastic.

JAMIE: So that’s what happens. If she gives you an IOI, then great stack forward to your next piece. If she give you an IOD, just know there are two different types, there is verbal or nonverbal. If she gives you a verbal one, you respond back with an IOD. If she responds with a nonverbal one, you also respond back with an IOD but it’s a different type, you’re almost addressing her mood. Get it?

JAY: Yeah. Address her mood. There is so much stuff that’s honestly mind blowing with this program that you guys offer and the way it’s structured that it clears up years of struggle, honestly and—

JAMIE: Good. I’m glad to hear that, man.

JAY: I appreciate it.

JAMIE:  You’re very welcome. So, now here’s next. Now we’re going to talk, we’re going to continue just a little further and I saw Cassidon join, so we’ll give him a chance to ask question, but next step that you’re going to want to do, this is always the transition. Now, I want to explain to you why this is going to work but the next thing you’re going to do is you’re  going to do a cold read. Assuming that she gives you an IOI, she responds back, “Oh my God, I’m glad you like it. I just got it. I was kind of concerned but I was inspired because blah, blah, blah, and someone suited my work.” She’s giving you an IOI. So the next thing you’re going to do is after she responds to you verbally giving you an indicator of interest, you’re going to do a cold read. You know that that is?

JAY:     Yes. I was just listening and I believe it’s when I if, oh, if you ask I can’t think of it honestly off the top of my head but no, I’m just going to say no.

JAMIE: Okay.

JAY:     I forgot it. I heard it once and then you explained it, and I can’t repeat it because I don’t remember now.

JAMIE:            That’s okay.   A cold read is simply a quick assessment of somebody.

JAY:     Okay.

JAMIE: Here’s a formula. You seen X.

JAY:     Right! That’s what I heard.

JAMIE:            The X could be whatever you are assessing. Right? It’s a quick assessment of how that person is coming across. It’s kind of like what a psychic would do minus the tarot cards.

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: I bet you’ve seen, you appear to be, you have this vibe—but in short, a cold read is you seen X or X is whatever you are assessing about her. You get it?

JAY:     Yeah. I do get it.

JAMIE:            Now I want to be very quick here.

JAY: What’s the point of that?

JAMIE: Oh, what’s that?

JAY:     What’s the point of the cold read?

JAMIE: Oh, okay. So the point of the cold read is you have to have a nice easy seamless way to transition from your opener. This is one of the things almost every client struggles with. Almost, no–probably one of the most commonly asked question is how to get off my opener?

JAY:     Right. I’m asking.

JAMIE: Right? So this is to get you off your opener.  Because let me ask this Jay, what is everyone’s favorite topic of conversation universally?

JAY: Themselves.

JAMIE: Exactly. So, if you and I meet on a plane or wherever and all sudden after five minutes of chatting, I’d say to you, I’d say, “Jay, you know you, you are really analytical one, aren’t you? More likely than not, you’re going to be just sucked into the idea that I’m not talking about you. You might even respond with something like, “What makes you say that?” You following me? So what I’ve successfully done is just making that simple, you seem X.  I’ve transitioned over from whatever b***s*** we’re talking about to now a personal conversation about you.

JAY: This is [Unintelligible 00:16:53]

JAMIE: And what’s great is, it’s a seamless thing because it makes sense at any point, I’m just talking and also that make us, “Wait, you seem really blank. Hey, what happened to you today?”  I have this feeling that—“ So you’re just making an assessment and that always makes sense. So it never appears to be forced conversation.

JAY: Right. Exactly.

JAMIE:            The main outcome is you’ve now successfully transitioned from whatever general topic about tattoos or whatever to a personal conversation about her.

JAY: Right. And I’ve–

JAMIE: That’s a league on off your opener.

JAY: I’ve done that and I usually–I’ve gotten to, there is a girl at one of the places I go and she gets some tattoos, I had the whole routine thing.  Then, I ask who did her work then I got that guy’s number and first she was going to take my number then gave me his number which I just left that be because I want to keep that door open and I so I came in the next day and they were like stoked to see me and there was four to five girls that were with the store and so that’s I guess my newest little project and I’m trying to learn. So, I’ve gotten that far then I guess is what I’m saying.

JAMIE: That’s okay. I’m going to stop there while I’ll give you one last thing, then we’ll stop there and will give Cassidon, the chance to go but at least now we are addressing that next step. Okay?

JAY: Yeah! This is fantastic.

JAMIE: Now I’m going to give specific way to do that cold read that I want you to use because again I don’t want this to be the most fragile part of your sets is going to be the beginning, getting her hooked.  So, one of the easiest ways for you to be successful doing that, is not over confidence. That’s why we stick with one opener, okay?

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: So I’m going to give you one way to transition using a cold read. Now, I’m going to be very clear Jay, there is a lot of way to do this.  Essentially, you’re all doing the same thing. You seen X but I want to give you one specific verbiage to do that. Okay?

JAY: Okay.

JAMIE: Here it is. You have a blank vibe. Now blank will be a West Coast vibe, East Coast vibe and Midwest vibe; pick one of the three.

JAY: East Coast. Mid vibe.

JAMIE: Now, I’m just getting some of the start. Later on as you get really good at this, you might get more specific—you have a California vibe. You have a—I’ve lived overseas for two years vibe, whatever. I don’t really want to you necessarily get  creative and I’m not saying that you want to over complicate that. Right now, I don’t want you to be creative at f**king all. You need to be successful first.

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: So right now, you only have three options:  West Coast, East Coast, and Midwest.

JAY: Can I ask why?

JAMIE: Why? Are you asking me why you do that?

JAY: Yeah. Why do you say, I have a West Coast vibe?

JAMIE:  Oh, maybe…

JAY: Should I…

JAMIE: They might do that but more likely not what you’re going to get is they’re going to correct you or agree. “Yeah. I am from Ohio.” “Yeah, I am from California.” “Yeah, you’re right!” “No you’re wrong.” Whatever.

JAY: Okay.

JAMIE: What you’re going to do from there is based on where she’s actually from, you’re then going to stack forward to a story about that place. So for example, if you’re on the West Coast and she, or for example she says, “Yeah, I’m actually am from California.” You’ll then say, “Oh my God! That awesome!” Get this and you’ll tell the story about something recently an experience or something that a little mini DHV story about California or someone you know who lives in California or trip to, something California oriented or West Coast oriented. Following me?

JAY: Yep.

JAMIE: But it’s going to be a mini DHV story.

JAY: Okay.

JAMIE: You following me?

JAY: I’m completely following you.

JAMIE: If she goes, “Actually I’m from the East Coast.” You all then say “Oh! So get this, I had a great friend of mine from New York just came to visit me blah, blah, blah.”  You will have then a mini DHV story about something that is relevant to the East Coast. So, what I’m essentially telling you Jay is, you’re going to want three DHV stories or mini DHV stories .

JAY: Okay.

JAMIE: One for the East Coast, one for the West Coast and one for the Midwest. Okay?

JAY: Yes.

JAMIE: And it’s very loose would that could be? It could be a story about a friend of yours who lives on the East Coast that you go to visit; it could be a time you visited New York or some place in the East Coast.  It’s very loose but has to be somehow East Coast oriented, okay?

JAY: Okay.

JAMIE: But you need three mini DHV stories one for each of the three regions.  So what am I essentially doing for you? I’m now giving you a stack forward, an organic one, to continue that conversation.

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: So now a few things have happened. One, you’ve opened, you’ve transitioned from just whatever opener to some kind of personal conversation based on how she’s appearing to be. I’ve now given you the excuse to transition to a mini DHV story, which is essentially letting her know you’re a high value guy and that is essentially going to take you to the next step where you can start to see what she has to offer you because by you having the excuse to do mini DHV story, she’s starting to learn that you’re a high value guy.

JAY: Right.

JAMIE: And as soon as she learns that you’re a high value guy, you can start to look to transition into A3 or qualification. Okay?

JAY: Yep.

JAMIE: Clear?

JAY: Yeah. Thank you. I admit this has clears up so much.

JAMIE: All right. Awesome. Cassidon. Mr. Cassidon, are you there? I don’t see your mic on, so I might can’t hear you. There we go.

CASSIDON: Can you hear me?


CASSIDON: Perfect. Excuse me. I just had a few questions for you. Yeah. I was wondering, how, is there any possible way to keep a women’s behaviors consistent with what I would want them to be?

JAMIE: There is a way like for example, what is an example of something you want her to consistently do?

CASSIDON: Being reliable.

JAMIE: Oh! You mean like when you’re making plans? Like flaky behavior versus reliable behavior, is that what you mean?

CASSIDON: Exactly.

JAMIE: Okay. Yeah. Simple enough actually, man, just don’t tolerate behavior that you’re not okay with.  For example, if you have and this goes beyond even just dating. Whether, it’s someone you’re dating, friendship, whatever, if you–the first time you make plans with somebody, you see that they showed up half an hour late and you’re not cool with that. Right?


JAMIE: You would punish that, for example, the next time you go to make plans with them, you might say, hey, I’ll just meet you there—like for example, let just say you showed up at her place, you showed up there and they’re still getting ready and you don’t like that. The next time you might say, “Hey, I’m just going to meet you there,” or you might get to the point where if they do it twice, the third time, you don’t even make plans with them anymore. You just say, “Hey, I’m going to go hang out with so and so, if you’d like to join will be there at 8 o’clock.”  So what you’re doing is each time that she does not meet your expectations, you essentially give her less and less.

So the first time, you might give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s going to be on time, that she’s going to be reliable, first time she flakes, so guess what you don’t make plans with her anymore. Second time, you’re like “Hey, I’m going to go to blah, blah, blah, come join us bring a friend.” And she said, “Well I don’t want to do that, but how about we have dinner later this week?” and you might be, “Whoa! I don’t know if –I think you’re going to have to do a little better from the last time where you did not show up at all, so why don’t we just meet up? I think let’s have a little casual whatever.

I’ll be here at so and so time.” I’m not saying this exact words, by the way, Cassidon, I’m just saying that the easiest way to get her reliable for unreliable or from bad behavior to good behavior, is essentially or simply don’t accept bad behavior. The time you’re going to get continued bad behaviors if you keep giving her get out of jail free cards.

CASSIDON: What do you mean by that?

JAMIE: Well, if she–if you have plans with a girl, you have a date and, well let’s just say it’s for a Wednesday night and then ten minutes before she texted you and said, “sorry, I can’t make it tonight.” And then you say, “okay, not a big deal” and then you make plans with her Friday night, and then it’s just you and her and, she doesn’t show up again or ten minutes before she’s, “oh, I can’t make it again,” and you say, “uh, no big deal.” If you keep allowing that she’s going to feel she can keep getting away with it. Especially if you talk like this, so, what you do is, you nip that alibi quickly.

As soon as you start to see behavior, unacceptable behavior, you just nip it in the bud, you don’t allow it again. Now, you don’t necessarily need to like write them off, you just give them less leeway to do things that you’re not going to allow. For example, my situation, if I have made plans of hanging out with somewhere one on one and they make some kind of last minute change of plans, I’m not going to do that again in the beginning of a friendship or relationship. They get one shot, Cassidon.

I’m not saying I’m not going to hang out with them again, I’m not going to be mad at them. They’re entitled to do whatever they want. You know what? Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t do a very good job in demonstrating value when I first met them, whatever. The bottom line is, it’s never their fault, it’s your fault so – but, that doesn’t mean I’m going to allow that behavior again. So, the second time she’s, “Oh, I really want to see you.” I’ll say, “Great! Me and my friends are going to do blah, blah, blah, come join us.” What I am essentially doing, Cassidon, is the second time I’m letting her know without specifically saying, “I’m not willing to do a one on one with you again.

You want to come and hang out with me? Great! You come and meet up on my terms or you come and meet up when I’m with something I’m already doing. I am not going to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable to you flaking out again.” So, the easiest way to curt–to change their behavior or make them go from unreliable to reliable, it’s simply don’t allow unreliable behavior. As soon as you see it, just don’t let it happen anymore. Do not put yourself in that same situation. Very key thing though, man, you’re not mad about it.

Remember, one of the reasons why she did that the first place is because she didn’t see you quite as valuable as she needs you. You don’t do that to Brad f**kin Pitt, you do that to someone at a lower caliber so, it’s not her, it’s her reflection on how she sees you at that time, and that’s okay but, that doesn’t mean that you allow that to happen again. So again in short, you want to go from getting her from unreliable to reliable, you give her one shot. She fails – you don’t even give her the opportunity to fail again. – Kind of like your kid, you know, right? Your kid doesn’t f**kin’ do their homework and you told them like, “Oh you play video games but, do your homework” and they don’t do it, you don’t give them that chance again. You don’t give them the opportunity to fail again. So, you just simply don’t allow it, that’s it. Give her one shot, after one shot you take that out of the equation. You get it?

CASSIDON: Yeah, I get it. Okay.

JAMIE: Even if she’s beautiful, you don’t allow it no matter what she says, no matter what she tries to give in to; she failed. You can’t allow her the opportunity to fail again. Cause then you’re f**ked.       She flakes out on you twice, now what are you going to do? You look like a complete b**ch, you look horrible. So you just don’t allow it.


JAMIE: In my personal thing everyone gets a one shot. If you fail, you fail. I don’t want to even hear. I’m not mad about it but, I don’t want to hear it.

CASSIDON: Okay. That makes sense, that does make sense. The next day that—

JAMIE: See all the stuff we’re doing, we’re learning different ways to present our self to accompany high value behavior; high value words, high value behavior. High value guys would never allow a girl to do that multiple times. Hey, one time whatever. Everyone gets kind of whatever from time to time but they would never, a high valued guy would never allow that to happen again. Except that you just start to ask yourself, “is this the actions of a high value guy?” if it’s not you just don’t do it. High value guy would never allow a girl the opportunity to flake out twice.

CASSIDON: Mm-hm. That makes sense. I’ll make some note to that and I will apply that, in the future.

JAMIE: Boom! You got another one you want to do?

CASSIDON: Is it… Definitely. I’ll go to it. Let’s see. Okay, I know that it’s always to maintain the frame that, “you’re the prize,” right?

JAMIE: That’s right.

CASSIDON:   I was wondering, what are some consequences of treating  the woman as the prize and kind of shift in that frame towards her being the prize?

JAMIE: Okay, so your first question is what are some of the consequences of treating her as the prize?


JAMIE: Okay. What do you think some of those consequences might be?

CASSIDON: Let me see. Maybe…

JAMIE: I mean, if she’s the prize—

CASSIDON: She doesn’t—

JAMIE:            If she’s the prize and you’re the one who should be courting her and seeking her out, what do you think that might do? What might be some penalties for buying into that?

CASSIDON:   She probably won’t respect you as much?

JAMIE:            No! She might still respect you but she won’t appreciate you as much. Let me give you a reference here, you’ve ever watched the show, “The Bachelor”?

CASSIDON: I’ve heard of it.

JAMIE:            You should watch it sometime, man. It’s interesting. You have basically one guy who’s being wooed by thirty women, right? Now, what’s great is this guy doesn’t have a use of any f**kin’ pickup arts, he’s being normal, very considerate, sweet guy. The thing that makes him so enticing for the women is, there are twenty nine other women that are all vying for his attention, every girl in there knows it.  He is literally the prize every girl is competing for him.

What do you think happen, Cassidon, if you’re a girl and you’re dating just so happens to know that there are five other women that are also vying for your attention, do you think she’s going to appreciate you just a little bit more?


JAMIE:            Exactly so she might—

CASSIDON:   Definitely.

JAMIE: If you’re, whether you’re the prize or not she might still respect you, I don’t think that is much of the consequence. The bigger one is, she’s not going to appreciate you quite as much. When she knows that out of ten girls you could’ve picked you chose her, she’s going to feel very appreciative and not take for granted you chose to spend Saturday night with her versus the other nine women you had on your, it’s a possibility so, that’s going to make her appreciative of her time with you and she’s going to keep fighting for her time with you knowing that you could easily call nine other women.

You want her to, you want to give her the fit—write this down—you want to give her the feeling that out of ten other women or five other women or twenty other women, whatever, and of all those women out there you picked her because if you give her that feeling or impression, she’s going to appreciate her time with you quite a bit more. I suppose that guy that just sitting by the phone and it’s like, “Kind of hope she’s ready tonight, hope we’re getting hang out with her.” That guy is going to be taken for granted – – because she knows, he’s just winging by the f**king phone, he has nothing else to do.

So the benefit of being the prize or showing yourself to be the prize then you get the analogy is it you give her feelings that there are nine other women that she knows very well that are waiting to hang out with you the benefit is, she will appreciate you. The penalty is she will not appreciate you.

CASSIDON: Oh. Okay, got it. The question arise to me from a friend of mine –  he’s not into pick up and he says he approaches women like with this opener he says, ‘I wanted to come over and tell you, “Damn you’re beautiful, what a big o’l butt,”’ and he tells me it always works. I’m like it’s the wrong frame. What I was thinking was you coming in from the wrong frame but he will say that always works for him.

JAMIE: Well let’s see, does it really work? I mean, how many–in the last month, how many women has he like brought home?

CASSIDON: He kind of stays as far away from me now, he just recently moved and he just came back in town and he had told me that’s what he was using. So, I can’t really you know—

JAMIE:            Ask him that question because I speak to a lot of people who would say, “Oh, I used this opener and it always works,” like well depends how you want to define “always works.” If you want to define it by conversation, this always works well, that’s f**king horrible. I mean, anybody can open up a conversation, “Hey, how’s it going?” “Great how are you?” “Oh, it works!” If you don’t get anything in the end, and that’s how it really always works, does it so, I’d ask your friend, ‘really it always works, huh? In the last month, how many women did you open with, “you’re really beautiful; you have a big o’l butt”? And in those women you open with “you’re really beautiful you and you have a big o’l butt” how many women came home with you, eventually? Didn’t have to be that night but, eventually?’ If he says he opened up thirty women with that and one came home, I wouldn’t say it works, at all.

CASSIDON: All right. I’m definitely—

JAMIE:            I would challenge him what that means with. But remember one of our principles, we’re not opening with looks. If we’re going to open with something, it can be about her sense of style, the way she presents herself, something that shows genuinely that you’re interested in talking to her, that’s awesome. You know whatever it is about her impression, that’s great but, it’s not outright about her looks something about her unique self, something about the way she presents herself, that’s the classic model.

To open up right away like, “you’re stunning” or “you’re beautiful” you can’t put on your cards on the table to some degree. I’m not saying it can’t work but, that’s more likely you’re not going to getting real consistency with that, cause that’s what she hears all day long, in that whole, “You have a big o’l butt,” I mean, I don’t like that one at all. I would challenge your friend to ask him bottom line, how many women did he open, how many came home of those women, and if he gives you any f**king b*** s*** excuses well you know, but, I don’t see that as something working.

CASSIDON: I’m going to definitely, definitely  challenge him when I see him again.

JAMIE: Yeah, see what the actual—numbers don’t lie, man, see what the numbers are.

CASSIDON: Definitely, I will.

JAMIE:            All right, do we have anyone else in the call? I saw someone else before, anyone else? All right, Jay, we can come back to you again. You want to do maybe one more? Jay, I don’t hear you, I’m not sure if you’re still there. I see your mic going on and off but I don’t hear you at all, might be at my end, possibly.  This is what I’m going to do guys, I’m going to hang up real quick. I’ll reinitiate the call and we’ll just kind of go from there cause I don’t hear you so, that might be the issue. Okay, now I can hear you. Jay, can you hear me now?

JAY: Yeah

JAMIE:            Okay, beautiful. So, you want to do one more?

JAY: Yeah, actually I have a question after what the other gentleman was saying, I—

JAMIE: You mean, Mr. Cassidon?

JAY:     Yes

JAMIE: Okay.

JAY: Broke upon this kind of situation. I am involved with another woman and I rarely get I guess led around by the nose, I am the b**ch and I just took all these notes and that’s a huge thing because like they did—I shouldn’t be sought after, I shouldn’t, you know what I mean? I shouldn’t treat them as a prize and as I did that all the things you mentioned are completely valid because I’ve experienced all of them. Your value goes down, they don’t appreciate you as much. They do appreciate you but it’s not as much so, how do I switch from this kind situation of kind of her being the price and how do I gently turn the tables without “killing it,” so to speak.

JAMIE: Okay. So maybe we’ll talk about a little bit further in detail here. What part of the relationship, what part of it are you not happy about? What is—

JAY:     Well, consistent, getting together, that consistency. Basically not making time for me and you know what I mean? Having time to get whatever just—I’m more of the convenience guy so to speak.  Now, I guess it would be cool if, I don’t know if me having expectations that like she could make like a, I could see her two times a week or something. You know what I mean? Instead of like, once every three weeks.

JAMIE: So, you want to see her more?

JAY:     Yeah, exactly and I’ve stated that and her realities like, she states she’s busy then they got her excuses. But you said if I’m more the prize I think I need to demonstrate more value I would imagine?

JAMIE: And right now, are you the one primarily making the effort to see her?

JAY:     Yeah

JAMIE: So it’s pretty much you’re making the effort and you’re not seeing her enough?

JAY:     If you look at that way, yeah, exactly. And she’s says no which is fine cause I’ve talked to her about it and I’m blatantly open and cool about it but I don’t care. I just want it to be cool, and fun, and happy. You know what I mean?


JAY: But honestly, it’s–she knows, she does make up for it. Just basically like she’s the prize so to speak and when she’s ready to do something, it’s always on her terms and if I try for anything else she just… it’s a no go.

JAMIE: Okay.

JAY: And it’s always inconsistent like the plans changed constantly so yeah, same as the other gentleman.

JAMIE:            Okay, what’s your ultimate outcome with this girl?

JAY: Just a deep connection and wherever that may lead. I just feel like she’s holding back.

JAMIE:            Okay

JAY:     And I don’t know why.

JAMIE:            So, I want to put like a little bit of a cautionary flag here.

JAY:     Like?

JAMIE:            You know, everything’s got to be put on context, like I’ve women that I’m hanging with–I guess you could say right now and there’s a few of them that there are missing things, right? It could—for the purpose of our conversation it could be that, I’m making more of an effort than she is for example. I’m not saying that’s what it is but, whatever it is the missing things that I would like that I’m not getting, okay? You would—

JAY:     Ah, yeah. I’m totally with you.

JAMIE: Now, I could rock the boat, if I wanted to, I could rock the boat, but, it’s not worth it because it’s kind of like look, this isn’t the girl that I’m going to marry, this isn’t the girl that I’m going to make my girlfriend but, I like what it is for what it is. Is it perfect if she’s missing certain qualities? Yeah. That’s why I’m not trying to push it any further. Do you get it?

JAY: I see. Yeah.

JAMIE: Sometimes you have to ask yourself this question, I’ll give it two ways, write this down. Is it worth rocking the boat?

JAY: Is it worth rocking the boat?

JAMIE:            Or you could also put it as, is the juice worth the squeeze?

JAY: Juice worth the squeeze

JAMIE: Sometimes you’re going to say, no. In my situations the answer’s always no with these people because I don’t really want anything more than what I have right now. Again, I’m not saying that it’s perfect, I’m not saying that there’s certain qualities that are not really necessary like whatever with, there’s some parts that I really do like. And I’m like it’s not worth rocking the boat, I like it for what it is so, I’m not going to rock the boat. The ones I’m going to consider rocking the boat with if I was in that situation. You should not. But if I was, it might be somebody that I’m looking for more with like where it is worth going for the gusto, to the point where if I can’t get what I’m looking for then I don’t want anything so, I want you’d to be very careful to make sure that again, the juice is worth the squeeze and it is really worth going forward. Understanding that you might wind up with nothing. You get it?

JAY:     You’re right.

JAMIE: Nah. When I said by the way, it’s not from a point of scarcity—

JAY:     No

JAMIE:            I’m just trying—you know that sometimes, there’s just girls that’s like hey, she’s a great f**king lay. She’s a little selfish but—

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE:            I don’t really give a sh*t like I don’t need her to do blah, blah, blah, and I just, I like it for what it is. You get it?

JAY:     Right. Yeah, and that’s you know honestly.

JAMIE:            No, I’m not going to rock the boat with ones like that. With this girl I met—

JAY:     Yeah

JAMIE: I really think there might be potentially a future and she’s being all aloof and  blah, blah, blah, I might say, you know what? For her, I want to explore something and if it’s not going to be that then I don’t really want to keep it in this casual blah, blah, blah. Then okay, the juice is worth the squeeze so, I first want you to make sure it’s worth it. Don’t do it for the sake of doing it. There are going to be more people not you, just not going to fully be on the same page with so, that’s the first thing, okay? That’s my cautionary note to you.

JAY:     Okay.

JAMIE:            Now, if you decided the juice is worth the squeeze, okay, then, you’re just going to have to play hard ball to some degree. If you want her to seek you out and see you as the prize I have a feeling, I could be wrong, I had feeling might be referring to the same person we talked about a few weeks ago.    Right?

JAY:     Yeah

JAMIE:            And remember, when you start making yourself scarce, that is when she started to buy into you’re the price. You get it?

JAY:     Yeah but, okay so, when I did that whole pawn away, it really triggered  some pain in her and she’s brought it up a couple of times saying like, “Don’t do that again.”

JAMIE:            You know, you don’t have to go too extreme, there’s a happy medium.

JAY:     Yeah. I’m with you.

JAMIE:            It’s just mean, you were completely like f**king cold turkey. I’m just saying about share someone’s effort and you actually do something you’d probably never do which is, “Actually, I can’t tomorrow night, how about next week or Monday? “

JAY:     Impossible

JAMIE: “Can I see you earlier?” You get her, find her a seal with earlier.

JAY: Okay.

JAMIE: You’re not going cold turkey here you just actually, you’re doing something just a little bit that you never did which is like you don’t make yourself so available. She asks you hang out on Thursday, I’m not telling you to just say, “No” or not return her phone calls. Remember, that was something you’re doing before. Maybe something like, “Hey, I can’t this weekend. I got blah, blah, blah. How about a Monday or Tuesday?” You make her wait a little bit. You’re still making an effort, you’re not saying “No,” you’re not return her calls you’re just making her – you’re just getting her a little bit more kind of wanting your attention. And you’re letting her see—

JAY:     Right

JAMIE: That’s she’s not exactly number one on your list. She’s not number ten but, she’s not number one either. And you make her start to wonder what else is going on and why she no longer quite as important. I’m not telling you go do an extreme. Just saying—

JAY:     Right

JAMIE:            A little bit, make yourself a little bit less available.

JAY:     Yeah, and that’s my fault and like you said, all these boils down to me giving her that power instead of keeping it myself, and me always being available. I always thought of it as, “I’m just being a nice guy and I’m always around to help” and this and that and the other but, it kills my value I guess.

JAMIE:            Being a nice guy is completely separate from the conversation you and I are having here. Being nice guy is you’re respectful, treating others as you want to treat yourself. Treating yourself as your number one f**king person in your life.

JAY:     Right.

JAMIE:            Now allowing people to step on you, making people appreciate their time with you, that’s not the same thing. Being a nice guy is a different topic altogether. You can still be very nice, very respectful, very generous be at the same time not allowing anybody to feel like their time is more important than yours.

JAY:     I got you. Now you bet.

JAMIE: So don’t go on extreme here, just simples like again, “Hey, want to hang out?” “Oh, that’d be awesome but, I can’t this weekend, how about Monday night?” You’re saying your “No” subtlety which is not number one, that’s it.

JAY:     Got it. That’s very simple to do and that will totally align with like my behavior, that’s perfect.

JAMIE:            The best thing you do is make it real though, don’t make your words b*** s*** really structured—Start really for example, like for this weekend coming up, book yourself out, man. So you can legitimately say, “Oh hey, I can’t Friday or Saturday but, how about Tuesday next week?” Make it a real thing. Start to plan as if she’s not part of the equation.

JAY:     Okay, I got it.

JAMIE: Sound good?

JAY: Yeah, sounds great.

JAMIE: All right, man.

JAY: Thank you.

JAMIE: You’re welcome. Jennifer I see you’re there.

JENNIFER: Hi, Jamie!

JAMIE: Hello.

JENNIFER: Hi, I just got home. I just wanted to call you and say, hi.

JAMIE: Hello.

JENNIFER: I do have an interesting personal question.

JAMIE: Yeah, yeah.

JENNIFER: If you have time?

JAMIE:            Go for it.

JENNIFER: Yeah, and so it’s like you get your validation from yourself, no one else can really put you down, that when you get your validation from someone else they’re in control of you. So, how can I take back that control into my [Unintelligible 00:49:43] I want to show you something.

JAMIE:            Jennifer, can you still hear me?

JENNIFER: Yeah, can you hear me?

JAMIE:            Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I just heard some background sound. By the way guys, anyone else on a call?  If you’re not…

JAY: Yes

JAMIE:            Just put your mic on mute.

JAY: Oh, sorry.

JAMIE:            Oh, no. That’s fine. So, would know, Jennifer, would you be able to give me a little bit more context to who and how, we’re not giving names of course.


JAMIE: How and who’s someone’s giving you the type of validation? Can you just give me a little more detail?

JENNIFER: No, for an instance like if a colleague on me says, “Oh my God, that’s more than” or “that’s impressive you found X instead of Y” and that would make me feel good and that’s a good thing but it also means that if, they would say the opposite it would make me feel bad or less worthy so, it’s good to like have that from others but, I need to know for myself that I’m valuable so that I do not need to chase confirmation from others.

JAMIE: Okay, here’s some ideas in that one. When someone does something, an external person does something that either you find positive or negative, probably the better ways to want a good way to kind of internalize that, see in general, Jennifer, you’re going to be—your sweet spots going to be where, the things that you look to in life to make you feel good are all internally derived not externally derived as you obviously know because you’re bringing up the question. Where you’re getting—


JAMIE:            Happiness from yourself not from others, right?


JAMIE: Now, you can’t help really what people do or don’t do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I don’t know. Fortunately or unfortunately, we don’t have power with that, we have only control of ourselves so.


JAMIE: So, your specific situation something I might want to do is, if that person gets me some kind of positive validation, I think that’s great, I like a compliment.


JAMIE: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, it’s only where I’m dependent                                                                                               on that person for compliments or I allow the negative to kind of get the better of me as well. So, if she says “That’s great, well done, you found X, Y and Z,” great! There’s nothing wrong getting a compliment from someone else.


JAMIE:            One of the best things for you to do is be comfortable with just saying, “thank you,” that’s fine.


JAMIE:  The part where we have a little bit of an issue is if the person says, “Jennifer, you suck, how did you not see X?”


JAMIE: So she starts doing that, I would maybe try this–get in the habit of when someone criticizes you or gives you some kind of negative feedback, ask yourself this question, “What can I learn from this?” And notice just by asking that question, you’re going to come up with something positive because when you come up with something you can learn, then that is something positive would you not agree?


JAMIE:            And who came up with it, her or that person, or you?


JAMIE: So, you’re refocusing, from some kind of negative feedback to just a question that has nothing to do with them but, is purely based on you. And if you come up with some positive answer to that well, sudden, we’ll guess what happened? You went from something that could’ve been negative falls on the positive outcome.


JAMIE: You get it and it has nothing to do with them whatsoever so, you’re taking the control away from them and you’re refocusing it to have it in control yourself.


JAMIE:             Like I mean, I’ve had many times in my coaching, where not a zillion but, enough, write down critiques on the experience a person had or session did not go very well. When that happens and someone gives me feedback like, I didn’t like why I got. Man, I had a client with VA few months ago, she signed up for program and she thought she’s getting something different so, I didn’t come to the session with her, at the end of the session—she wasn’t exactly, she knew what she’s looking for. And again, she gave her own low critique about what the program was and what she got. Again, what I had to do, she’s looking for something different, but I just asked myself, okay, what can I learn from this situation? So, I’m rediverting, I’m refocusing from her innate good feedback to taking control of how I decide to feel about the situation.


JAMIE:            So, what I’m telling you to do is what I do myself regularly. There’s always something to learn.


JAMIE:            If you learn something, it’s positive because when you something you can leverage to the future it’s always a great thing. I do a lot of executive coaching too, I had a client about a month ago, there’s a f**king disaster, granted with him. He was an incredibly difficult client to point where he’s not someone I’d even want to continue working with, just not the right person, not the right fit, either way.


JAMIE:            But, I did learn a lot of stuff from him. As difficult as he was.


JAMIE:            In the end he was happy. It was just a very difficult situation to deal with. He took—


JAMIE:            A lot of extra work and I had to pull up more time into it, pro bono, then I necessarily wanted too but, it’s okay I got to do what I got to do. In the end he was happy but he was such a nightmare to deal with. But, I’m appreciative for him because in the end he learned how to make my process even better so, I re—

JENNIFER: Ah, yeah.

JAMIE:            I redirected from his initial, first session, he was happy, blah. blah, blah. Again, it’s different than this what we’re talking about now but, he wasn’t happy, [Unintelligible 00:55:42] I want this, I want that. I asked myself, okay what can I learn from this individual? And I refocused from his feedback, his critiques, to something positive just by asking myself the same exact question. So, that one question is something that I’ll get used to asking yourself regularly.


JAMIE:            It doesn’t matter what anyone says or feedbacks, whatever, you’re taking back the control. You’re giving yourself the opportunity to feel good about something you’re learning. There’s always something to learn, that’s what I would do.

JENNIFER: Yeah, it is.

JAMIE:            That’s an idea. Is that helpful?

JENNIFER: Yeah, it is.

JAMIE:            Okay

JENNIFER: Yes, I have to do it regularly.

JAMIE:            Dude, all the stuff is f**king practice and takes an awareness and consistent effort. It’s not easy, Jennifer. But, you know what? You take a few simple things and you just do them regularly. So—


JAMIE:            So if you just put in your like little cheat sheet this is the one question you ask yourself when dealing with clients who are little critical, and you do it regularly, eventually it will become ingrained.


JAMIE:            Sound good?

JENNIFER: Yeah, sounds great.

JAMIE:            All right and, Jennifer, do you think something else for you before ’d have something else for you before—

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