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TAM 152 : What to do when a girl walks up to you

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Today’s podcast we talked about how to handle things when your target approaches you. Then we went through an overview of the model correcting a callers interpretation of it. Furthermore we clarified what an attraction piece is and how it is used. Also we discussed how to prevent getting friend-zoned.


JENNIFER:  Not, not that much. Well me and Upgrade went out on Friday.

JAMIE:  Alright.

JENNIFER:  And it was, I usually don’t go out at night. But you know I figured I might as well start. So, we went out and a lot of guys were hitting on me and I wasn’t, I was not the one doing the gaming. So as far as like…

JAMIE:  That is…

JENNIFER:  Yeah, but as far as like having fun and drinking and dancing, I had a great time that I didn’t, I didn’t develop myself, like I didn’t do any game related activities. I had no routines that I called with anyone because I didn’t have to, they were already there. So, I don’t really have any new contribution for this week. I don’t, not since Wednesday.

JAMIE:  Ok, how about on any other fronts. How about like just you know the other things you and I talk about. Maybe work, business or just, just other stuff. Is there anything that we can maybe talk about? It would be a shame to have you here and just listen.

JENNIFER:  Yeah, I agree.

JAMIE:  Or maybe, maybe think about it for a few minutes, maybe I come back to…

JENNIFER:  Yeah sure, I will.

JAMIE:  You know, I mean… You know, hey I’m glad you had a great time, I think that’s fantastic.


JAMIE:  But I mean yeah, let’s talk about something else maybe. Maybe something else we can kind of hit on in a few minutes ok?

JENNIFER:  Ok, sure.

JAMIE:   Alright. Jay can you hear me ok again?

JAY:  Yeah, yeah, I can hear you.

JAMIE:  Alright. So, I know, I know, I ready have an idea what you are going to want to discuss. You sent me an email yesterday but you tell me.

JAY:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  …If you want to verbalize that.

JAY:  Well I just, you know I’m still new to this whole thing and am trying to gather material. I just have, honestly just have a bunch of different stuff. So I’m not sure like I have the, like some photos. I know there’s a photo routine thing and I wasn’t sure how did that all works or how to put that together or put together. I’m still reading the E-book you, the revelation, the revolution rather and I’m still watching videos. So, it’s all really new to me but I’m getting out and having a blast. I watched a thing with, it’s kind of like two things. I heard Mysteries speak of connecting social circles and that was kind of helpful. So basically, all the people I know if I connect them then I become this person that kind of knows everyone and I think that’s a great trade, as a guy to be so selfless in a way that kind of hook everyone up. I think that’s a net thing. So, I heard but I, back to the whole stacking of the opener to the close. I’m still working on, I wasn’t sure. They talked about direct openers and in direct openers, not quite sure what any of that means presently.

JAMIE:  Ok. You mentioned a lot of topics very quickly.

JAY:  I did.


JAY:  Sorry.

JAMIE:  No, no its ok.

JAY:  Because it’s still new.

JAMIE:  Yeah, no its ok. Let’s talk about a few of them here. As far as your routine stack. Are you starting to kind of draft it up little bit, do you have at least some kind of a shell of where you are getting?

JAY:  No, I’m just too confused. I know it’s like I got the opener then you got to do the IOD, IOI if she’s interested and you would give an indicator interest. I am more or less trying to mentally understand . . .

JAMIE:  You know, you don’t need to. Here’s the thing you don’t have to necessarily give an IOI to her. What you are doing is you are looking from her, yeah, I mean you don’t want to give her an IOI. You are looking for, you know to see if she gives you an IOI or an IOD. See you open then you see how she responds to you.

JAY:  Ok.

JAMIE:  See either going to give you an IOI or an IOD. An IOD is an indicator of disinterest; an IOI is an indicator of interest.

JAY:  Right.

JAMIE:  Ok, depending upon which one she gives you that she is going to dictate, do you neg or you just keep stacking forward. She gives you an IOI or she’s engaged, you don’t have to neg her. But if she right away interrupts and says, “Oh it’s girl’s night” or bla bla bla. Then you might want to beg her, you might want to give her an IOD back because she is giving you an IOD. So, the idea is…

JAY:  Right.

JAMIE:  You open, you pause and you see how she responds to you. Based on her response that’s what determines whether you need to give her an IOD back. You don’t give it just the sake of give it, you give it if it’s necessary. She might be very warm engaging, you don’t punish good behavior.

JAY:  Right and that’s the one mistake I’ve made since I, before I’ve, my whole life if I’ve, you know I heard Mystery also did this too. He does just give a shit load of indicators of interest and compliments and you know thinking it’s going to get you somewhere and it just, it’s basically validating her disinterest in you in a way.

JAMIE:  Yeah.

JAY:  you know what I mean. So that’s a big mistake I’ve made up to this point.

JAMIE:  That’s ok.

JAY:  … My whole life.

JAMIE:  You are not going to do it anymore and that’s a ….

JAY:  No, no it’s great to know.

JAMIE:  So, what I want you to do, because I want to hit on a bunch of things you just mentioned. So, I want to hit on a few things that you are bringing up. So, continuing to draft that routines stack, just the starting point. You open the next thing you are doing is transition or cold read into what we call an “attraction piece” attraction piece could be like buying tempter like a fun little game or fun little trick. It could be a mini DHB story. There’s a few options but the idea is your then, you are doing a cold read and then you are transitioning into buying temperature A2 and buying tempter are the same thing. I don’t want to confuse you with terminologies. If I say elevate her emotional state, if I as use a buying tempter piece, if I say use an attraction piece. Jay, they are all basically the same thing. You following me?

JAY:  Got it, yeah, I’m with.

JAMIE:  So, when you are…So, what I want you to do is continue drafting your routine stack. You can email me a copy because then what I will do…

JAY:  Ok.

JAMIE:  …I’ll give your ideas to bring up in the next call, ok?

JAY:  Ok. So, it’s all about buying temperature which would be an A2 then would be an A3 which is…

JAMIE:  A3 is like qualification, where you start screening her like “Hey what do you have going for yourself besides your looks” this kind of things.

JAY:  Right, got it, this time…

JAMIE:  Now, now, now, now, now so let me hit just last couple of things then if you have a couple kind of thought questions we can do that really wick.

JAY:  Ok.

JAMIE:  So, so when you are going to… So, you do your open, you’ll do your cold read or some kind of transitionary kind of thing. You’ll then do, you’ll transition to your attraction piece and remember when I say, “Attraction piece” that could be any one of these things I just told you. Attraction piece can be a mini DHB story, attraction piece could be a game or buying temperature they are all the same fucking thing. So, I’m not trying to confuse you.

JAY:  Got it.

JAMIE:  Got it, now like… let me give the analogy just to make this beyond clear the book The Game …. would go “Hey you guys best friends, you guys make the same facial expressions” He basically doesn’t, he does his opener … first he does his opener “Hey who lies more? Men or Women?” Then he’ll watch the way they respond and he will say “Wait a second are you guys best friends? You guys make the same facial expressions” what is he really doing their Jay? He is doing a cold read, he is looking the way they responded based on the way they are responding. He is making a cold read, that they must be best friends because only best friends react like that, you following me?

JAY:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  That is what your, that is what you are observing. I’m just breaking it down for you here. Then from after that observation, you then tractions to as A2 piece where you explain basically how best friends respond to each other how they kind of take on the same type of mannerisms. So, they learn something, but it’s a fun level of game they are basically showing them. So, if you are going to read the book The Game that’s exactly what he is doing.

JAY:  Yeah, I’ve read that like about four years ago and it’s funny because I’ve been trying to get into this for that long.

JAMIE:  That’s ok, I’m just giving you that as a reference, I’m basically simplifying…

JAY:  Great.

JAMIE:  I’m demystifying them; I’m simplifying it for you. That’s really all that’s happening.

JAY:  Ok.

JAMIE:  Make sense?

JAY:  Yeah, I totally get it now and yeah, I totally get it.

JAMIE:  Good.

JAY:  Thank you.

JAMIE:  Now when you get in qualifications I want to hit on your, your photo, photo routine.

JAY:  Oh yeah.

JAMIE:  Here’s the way I like to do it personally. Once you get into qualification and you ask your certain types of questions or your target. Hey, tell me two interesting things about yourself, I’m curious about you whatever it is. You do it for your qualifier and qualifiers are not complicated. But once you are an A3 Jay and you start doing those what you are going to do, you are going to use many qualifiers. You might have a starting one then you’ll transition to another one and then another one. So, one way I personally like to do my little photo routine, I like to use like kind of as a qualifier I will say “Hey how many interesting stories can you tell just by using pictures on your phone?”

JAY:  I love that.

JAMIE:  So that is that, so that’s the way I ask it. But that’s a qualifier and the idea is that I have a fucking awesome life and interesting life and I like, and I capture at least a decent bit of it on my phone. That’s a great way…

JAY:  Right.

JAMIE:  …Or great excuse for you to pull out pictures like the one you have.

JAY:  Got it, I love it.

JAMIE:  One last thing to mention, you mentioned a lot of things man. So, but I don’t want to leave any stone unturned.

JAY:  Oh, its fine.

JAMIE:  One of the biggest, one of the biggest DHB’s you can demonstrate to people is your ability to speak and engage strangers, its massive. You then show yourself to be the centre of entertainment, you are the person who’s engaging everyone, you show yourself that you can just engage strangers and make friends with people anywhere that are incredibly attractive.

JAY:  Ok.

JAMIE:  So that’s a lot of what Eric is referring to. ´

JAY:  I got you, I love it, ok now I understand my kind of agenda at that, to that point.

JAMIE:  Good so.

JAY:  That makes it fine, thank you.

JAMIE:  You are welcome man and again once you’ve kind of gone back into your laboratory and kind of chew things a little bit, send me an email.

JAY:  Ok.

JAMIE:  Again, I only do this for, you know VIP people like yourself just as a quick little, now what we do here I’m just going to direct you at what you need to ask in the next call. I’m not going to do a routine stack class for you here, but I…

JAY:  No, it’s…

JAMIE:  But what we do, is I’m going to help you, I’m going to help show you what the next step is and then you come into that in the next call ok?

JAY:  That’s perfect because it gives me time to digest this.

JAMIE:  Yeah there you go.

JAY:  …. use this so thank you.

JAMIE:  You are welcome.

JAY:  It’s awesome.

JAMIE:  Alright. Jake are you there?

JAKE:  Yeah, I’m here.

JAMIE:  Alright man, welcome. Tell me what’s, give me. So, what’s the experience from last week, we can go through?

JAKE:  Ok, so there is one girl I have slept with a few months ago and she got back to her ex and I met other girls after that and yesterday I was curious about her. I asked her to join, to go joining the coffee. I mean going to the coffee


JAKE:  And we spent time there and we ate out the restaurant and then we played something like basketball, there is, I don’t know how to explain this but. Yeah, we played that.


JAKE:  After then we went to karaoke.

JAMIE:  Karaoke?

JAKE:  Yeah, karaoke.

JAMIE:  Ok, alright.

JAKE:  In that place I tried to do, I tried to like Kino and I couldn’t, would you like to kiss me….


JAKE:  Yeah it didn’t work and I tried to act like I wasn’t affected but yeah, but I could tell she was uncomfortable in my ……. and what is this situation, do you think I can, I can do Kino or should I just give up or move on?

JAMIE:  So, let me try to understand your situation. This, this, is this… Have you ever hooked up with her before?

JAKE:  Yeah, yeah, I slept with her a few months ago and I haven’t really texted her for a while.

JAMIE:  So, you have slept with her before, you just, she, I guess got back together ex-boyfriend and things have got cold between you two is that right?

JAKE:  Right, right.

JAMIE:  Right ok, so you’ve been there before. I mean here’s the deal. I wouldn’t say necessarily give up on it. I would say just look at your execution for the next time right. So, here’s the thing you’re kind of, you know your job is to kind of dictate where things are going or where you want them to go and not accept something less. So, like the thing I’m listening to your date and it sounds like you are just being friends for a while you know. You kind of went out had coffee then got some food; sounds like you are probably being very friendly with her. Then you, then you play basketball then you are doing these activities and then finally I guess six hours later you try to escalate you know. And it’s like; it’s like if you want to bring that energy into the interaction it should be like that from the beginning. You know what I’m saying?

JAKE:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  It’s like almost you are bringing fear into the equation, like alright well I don’t know what’s going to happen here. I guess I’ll just have a nice safe coffee. Alright well things are going ok so far let’s have a nice safe meal. Let me ask you this question and again I don’t know, I’m just asking you questions to see if I understand the situation. At coffee did you just have nice normal conversations there or did you, or did you keep it charged with certain types of conversation? Did you flirt with her? What I’m asking basically, were you flirtatious during coffee? And be critical with yourself by the way, don’t give yourself credit if you don’t deserve it because this is an opportunity for you to learn. Were you being just mister safe guy and friendly or were you being, were you adding some charge to the conversation at coffee?

JAKE:  I was just a normal conversation.

JAMIE:  Yeah ok. So

JAKE:  Friendly.

JAMIE:  So, nothing exciting you are just basically being a friend correct?

JAKE:  Right, right.

JAMIE:  Ok, then you brings her. Then you went out to get a meal. I’m going to say…

JAKE:  Ok.

JAMIE:  And correct me if I’m wrong, tell me if I’m wrong. But again, I want you to be extra critical with yourself because if you pat yourself in the back you don’t learn, you don’t grow. So, at lunch or dinner whatever you did for the meal. Were you again just a nice friendly guy or did you add charge to the conversation?

JAKE:  I was just a friendly guy, I think.

JAMIE:  Ok, so that’s the problem. So, or that’s the big part of it anyway. You know if you want to have a flirtatious sexual relationship then that’s what you bring to the table. You know that doesn’t mean that you can’t into mid points where you just talk and you just you know you are giving her some aspects of friendship. But there shouldn’t be like hours and hours going by where she is not clear what this is. So, you obviously have an agenda, you know you don’t want to be just friends with her correct. Obviously because you wouldn’t be asking these questions, yet you are acting you know like you are just being friends or that’s, that’s it. And you’re playing it safe and you can’t do that. It’s like you must, if you could do this over again. What I would tell you to do is, dude from the time, from the time, I mean you were at coffee you don’t have to be like groping her and stuff but you should be flirtatious. She should know within those 30 minutes for sure you are not interested in just being her friend you understand?

This makes sense to you or no?

JAKE:  So what conversation should I do, say, handle…

JAMIE:  This is a girl that you slept with before.

JAKE:  Right.

JAMIE:  Like you don’t have to say anything really complicated. you could be having coffee and say, just kind of pause and look at her and kind of give her a little smile and say, “Well you look really cute today” you understand it’s the presentation. You know, you know it doesn’t have to be anything mind-blowing. Remember this is, again this is someone you slept with before. You guys have already shared a moment. I mean you could just be having normal conversations “Why you smell really good. Why you… I love your little outfit.” Notice what I’m saying, if I say, ” Why I really like your little outfit there” I’m not, it’s not, it’s not that I’m saying anything mind-blowing. It’s how I’m saying, it’s clearly insinuating that I’m not there to be her friend. You get it.

JAKE:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  you even take normal things and sexualize them. Like you could be, you’d be talking over coffee and say, “You got to stop looking at me like that” “like what?” You know, like you just, you just play, you are just flirtatious. So, you don’t need, you don’t need necessarily whole new routines. You just need to kind of just say little things, just kind of just little sound bites. “Why you look cute today” That’s it, it’s as simple as that. But the bottom line is she should know you know, there shouldn’t be an hour that goes by. I mean especially in the very beginning to make this very clear, at least in the beginning from when you meet up with her. Within the first half an hour or so, she should know you are not there just to be her friend.

JAKE:  Ok.

JAMIE:  I mean you play the friend card for a while and then and then, and then and then I don’t know like five hours into then you made your move. And the reason why you know you know she told you she has a boyfriend. There’s somebody she is seeing so it’s like kind of like, your kind of putting her you know in kind of a not good situation. The first part you are acting you know, you are playing it safe, you are being kind of her friend, you are not really being forth come about what you want.

She knows she told you that she is seeing somebody and then five hours later you also go for your big move when you haven’t really primed her at all. And so, it’s like kind of like “Oh where are you going? Like I told you I have a boyfriend and where are you going with this?” You know what you should do going forth you could do that date again. You come in from the beginning your flirtatious right. Maybe you are sitting at coffee like “Wow you look, oh my god you look so cute.” and you say little comments like that.

Now what might happen Jake is she might say “You can’t talk to me like that. I’m seeing someone” bla bla blab«. Just insist that’s how you are, you just don’t lead up. Like, like “Oh my good you got to stop looking at me like that” You just keep flirting, you just keep pushing forward, being unaffected by any rejection she might give you verbally and basically, what you are letting her know is like it’s just how you are and any relationship with you at all is going to have some level of charge. You are not going to be like you know, gay friend like you are there with a purpose and the same time you know there is the, the risk that when you finally go for it man and she might turn you down or she might not go for it. She might be one of those women that really who is going to be with who she is with and not going to extend beyond those boundaries and you got to be ok with that man. You know like but you can’t play it safe. You have to be willing to put yourself out there not play it safe, go for what you want and, and, and allow the results to be what the results are. Playing it safe is not going to get you anywhere.

JAKE:  Right.

JAMIE:  So those would be, those would be. Again, the best of kind of put this is, if you could do that date over again that’s how, if I was you I would do it. Come in there, she knows your purpose within half an hour, you are flirtatious, you don’t have to say anything complicated, just little sound bites if she rejects them or kind of whatever. You just keep doing it, you act like this is just who I am, I’m like this with all my friends. She is not owing to know the difference and you just keep pushing. You just keep pushing with your words and you keep pushing with your, with your you know your touch Kino and, and you let the cards fall as they may. You are not going to succeed with everyone Jake sometimes things are just going to be a little out of your control, sometimes you need a girl is assigned to be in a monogamous relationship and that’s, that is what it is. But you always give your best shot, you are always true to yourself, you always go for what you want and that’s it.

JAKE:  Ok, yeah it makes sense.

JAMIE:  The thing is, if you go for what you want and she, and you are not able to penetrate and get through and then she calls you like two days later like “Hey what are you doing?” You don’t accept that, you let her, you basically let her know not being mad about, not being reactive. But you let her know like “Hey, any relationship with me.” By the way, I’m just assuming what you want and you don’t want less and you are basically letting her know “Any relationship with me is either going to be this way or nothing. I’m not going to be your friend that’s it, and I’m happy for you. Good luck with you and your new guy. But I’m not going to be again your gay friend who you are just going to hang out and just kind of hope for some kind of scraps. I’m not interested in that.” That’s what, that’s what basically you are doing.

JAKE:  Ok.

JAMIE:  You following me? It really embodies a lot of what we teach which is like you know, be your best self, expect the best, you deserve the best. You don’t deserve any scraps or half ass stuff and if, if she is not going to give it you what you are looking for, then you will find someone else who will and you are not going to accept anything less. And that is that and don’t be surprised that when you can’t pull away and she looks to kind of reengage your, get your affections again you, she starts to think maybe a little bit more about you. Because you are kind of, you are kind of pulling back a little bit she is like “Wow you know, this guy Jake guy. He is not going forth. It’s either his rules or nothing. Maybe I should reconsider.” But again, any time you are with her just be the flirtatious guy like just let her know that, that’s just who you are and that’s it. That’s your way of being, you just love, you just love being flirtatious you love all these different things that we’ve been speaking about with you for the several, last several months. Don’t let her change you. She doesn’t want to accept that great, then go onto somebody else. Remember this is never about perfection man, sometimes, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose but even when you lose you learn. So never really lose.

JAKE:  right, right you are right.

JAMIE:  Is that helpful?

JAKE:  yeah it was helpful.

JAMIE:  Ok, good. So, Upgrade you still their man?

UPGRADE:  Yeah, I’m here.

JAMIE:  Alright, so sounds like you us had fun the other night you and, you and Jenifer. Any good stories?

UPGRADE:  Yeah it was a good night. Actually, I wanted to ask you about this time was, how did you go from like to push to pull when it comes to going out because I noticed that often when me and Jenifer go out It, we kind of have to push ourselves and its, it’s even more so when I go out by myself. It’s not like I’m being pulled out because I really want to go out and game. But that’s the way I would like to feel about it and I realized its always going to going to be approaching side and I just hope that there can be approach excitement also. Maybe other ways the anxiety that I look forward to going out. So, I was wondering if you have any ideas how to make that switch? Its like becomes easier to I get pulled out as the I have to push myself all the time.

JAMIE:  Ok, I think I understand pretty well but at the same time what I might have to do here is, is start with some ideas and see if this is taking you in the right direction ok?


JAMIE:  So, I think it like this, there’s a lot of Tony Robin stuff that ………. talk to you about. The reason why you feel like you need kind of push yourself. One of the reasons where you push yourself you feel approving anxiety, you feel anxious a lot of that is because you are allowing your thoughts to focus on. So, you are asking yourself you know the wrong questions, such as you know I don’t know what happens if this girl turns me down. What happens if this one doesn’t work out? What happens if she rejects me? So, what happens is your mind all the time will go on this auto pilot where because, because and in because you are asking yourself the wrong questions or creating the wrong focus like Tony Robin says, “That’s what creates that fear and that anxiety where you really have to push yourself really and go “Ok, I’m really scared but I’m just owing to do it”.


Instead you take control of the process and you ask yourself different questions, questions that will make you excited about going out, questions will really motivate you to get out there and so you, your goal and I, I’ve been through this before man. Is to find a much more powerful set of questions, that you can ask yourself that can get you into that datable make you want to do it, rather than have to force yourself to do it. So, for example like I might be in, you know this situation like you or you know I’m going to, I’m in the mall and this girl in the escalator maybe 15 steps in front of me.


She is far enough in front I can’t just talk to her I’ll actually have to like approach her and kind of face her a little bit right and at first, at first, I’m like “uh I’m not like really ready” You know I’m not in state, wow all this people around me right, so that, that’s the that is the kind of questions or focus that would keep me scared or anxious. But now what I do because of conscious of it, is I quickly re focus and start asking myself the right questions so right away I might start asking myself this question “What is the worst that can happen?”


JAMIE:  And so all suddenly it’s all kind of fun and it’s like “Well the worst that can happen, she says go fuck yourself2” It’s not that bad you know, it’s like also its kind of funny you know it’s like, it’s like “Aw really nothing bad can happen at all” so I’m just JAMIE:  taking control of, of my thoughts, my focus by asking standard questions I ask myself all the time.


JAMIE:  I mean like what’s at stake? Everything is a fucking state Upgrade. Kind of like, like it’s like this. Like you have a minor perspective right when, you know I go again I go through these moods too sometimes you know like I’m not immune to this type of stuff you are talking about. But I’ll ask myself that question, that’s one of the questions that I ask myself regularly. I ask my what’s the worst that’s going to happen, I’ll ask myself what’s at stack, I’ll ask myself my why I know that sounds familiar to you right? You got to have a smell for, why right?


JAMIE:  You remember that?


JAMIE:  Well why you doing it Upgrade? What’s at stake for you right. Yeah for me when I answer, I ask myself that question regularly and I have a lot at stake man, everything is at stake as far as I’m concerned, this is my livelihood. Dude I can’t, I can’t come up to fucking calls like this and have a great call with you guys if I don’t do my own work. You understand? So, I have to put up with myself, I have no fucking choice I got to burn those fucking boats. Everything is, I’ll ask myself certain questions regularly. So, I don’t know exactly what question might do it for you but I’m just giving you an idea of how to take control of the process.


So, you can go more into that state of being motivated and driven rather than have to force yourself. So, I would look at like creating maybe a list, maybe just two or three of very powerful questions that can almost trigger you to get, to get in a state where “Oh this can be fun” you know. So, one of my favorites of Tim Farris on is “What’s the worst that can happen?” Kind of almost, it almost kind of adds a little levity …. thing. Of course, having she, you know she says, “Go fuck yourself” Maybe, maybe you got to. This doesn’t happen by the way but whatever she spills a drink on me, is that realty that bad? Hey at least ill have a good story later.


JAMIE:  So, so that is what, that is something, that is something I would do if I were you. You know were, you come up to me with two or three questions and then and then when you go out and you feel fearful, you feel you feel fearful just ask yourself that question. Just try and go on auto pilot, so you feel scared you are not doing, dude what’s the worst that can happen. She says fuck you ok let’s go do it, fuck it.


JAMIE:  That makes sense?

UPGRADE:  Yeah, yeah it does.

JAMIE:  You know it also came on you know, once you do that and you know you do this a couple of times you, you, you’ve experienced this before. Once you do two or three sets also you’ll start feeling good. So


JAMIE:  … You’re creating a little a bit of momentum train. But to get yourself…


JAMIE:  …To where it’s more fun, enjoyable, you don’t have to push yourself but rather you’ll be excited to do it. Just ask these questions, so I really like, “What’s the worst that can happen?” I like asking myself “What’s at stake?” “Why am I doing this?” “What is my why?” that why better be for very powerful man…


JAMIE:  …And there’s a lot at stake upgrade. And I want you to answer that, I want you to write down that question “What’s at stake” and maybe think about it today, what’s at stake, what will happen if you don’t do this.


JAMIE:  These eservices sound familiar, don’t they?

UPGRADE:  Yeah, yeah, they do.

JAMIE:  Ok good. So that, I would start there. I mean you have, another thing. Let me ask you if you do this here. Do record yourself daily? Do you, do you actually take out like you’re like little smartphone and kind of film yourself, kind of going through your routine stake?

UPGRADE:  No, I haven’t, no.

JAMIE:  You should start doing that, do that.


JAMIE:  I would, I would do that at the, I would do that probably everyday if I were you to be honest. But at the very bare bones minimum, do it every time before you go out.


JAMIE:  Its serves several purposes, one it gets you warmed up, get you in a state, gets you verbal, physical in your body also you get to watch yourself where you say “Ok, does this look attractive like you know am I doing this the right way” So really, really do a good priming kind of process for you, that will definitely help kind of ease your . . . you know make you, you know help you feel good and confident about what you are about to do. Because once…


JAMIE:  … You get rid of those little ticks in your face that you are doing these little unattractive, once your kind of smooth that out a little bit and you feel good about it. Like alright that’s pretty good, I like the way I’m looking, this does look attractive. You’ll feel good about it.


JAMIE:  I want to give you one last thing man, something to think about.


JAMIE:  …This is another, this is another process. Very and very important and anyone listening to this call I hope you really pay attention to what I’m going to tell you, because this is a really key thing. …. a lot of people have problems to this or fail in, in certain, not fail. They just, they don’t live up to their potential because when they are opening they are too focused on themselves and how they are being perceived. Instead of focusing on how you are being perceived “Oh, does she like this” “Is this entertaining” whatever. Focus on your target, you know like you might not get responses that you like or you might see that they are not giving you these IOI’s you really want. Instead of being concerned about how you’re coming across, just look at her because by looking at her focusing on her your target it will help you calibrate and help you focus on the process rather than be all subconscious about yourself.

You know it, again it’s a control, focus. So just focus more on what she is doing using that as an opportunity to kind of take note and to calibrate rather than be all concern about how you may or may not be perceived because you are not going to win that battle. You don’t know how you are being perceived but what you can do though is just focus on how they are responding to you and just, and allow that to dictate where your next move is. But that will kind of yours, that will kind of ease you a little bit, because you are not going to be so self-conscious you are going to be more focused on what they are doing and not what you are doing.


JAMIE:  Is that, is that clear. I don’t know if I made that as clear as I would like it to be.

UPGRADE:  No, I think it’s pretty clear.


UPGRADE:  Yeah, yeah so, I’ll make the list and I’ll start recording myself.

JAMIE:  Yeah start recording yourself.

UPGRADE:  And I’ll…

And answer those questions man; what’s at stake, why you are doing this, what’s your why, what will happen if you don’t to it. You know like “What’s the worst that can happen” nothing. You’ll never see her again.


JAMIE:  Dude I never see any of these people again, unless I want to of course.


JAMIE:  So, I mean like, you’ve nothing to lose man. But again, what’s happening is your mind is going on an auto pilot. I know it’s easier said than done but what happens is if you don’t take control of your mind; your mind goes on auto pilot. Easiest way to control your focus by asking yourself the right questions. So, you are going to ask yourself the right questions consciously and it’s a very simple process. Do you feel scared, do you feel fearful, do you feel approach anxiety ok? Well what that means Upgrade is your focus is fucking off. So, take control.


JAMIE:  Consciously use that as a trigger to start asking yourself the right questions. Is that, is that helpful?


JAMIE:  Do you think that will motivate your life?

UPGRADE:  I’m showing this out.

Ok and then…

JAMIE: Yeah there’s, yeah thing is kind of help. I think you’ll have a good week this week man. I have a good feeling; you’ll have a little bit of a break through.

UPGRADE:  Yeah, I got a good feeling also.

JAMIE:  Good. Alright. Mario, you there?

MARIO:  Yeah, I’m there.

JAMIE:  Alright.

MARIO:  Can you hear me?

JAMIE:  Yeah, I hear you just fine, you sound good. Fire away.

MARIO:  Hey my question is very very brief. It comes about leering efficiency versus effectiveness what better all the files. I’m a very detail oriented learner and I was wondering how do you structure your personal notes, your files. When I look at mine they are like lots of details, they help me sometimes but then they are in the way of effectiveness. So also, what have in back of my head is the different learning types that people like very quick and they are work in a better structured way and that’s how they, in general in life, whether it’s for an exam, whether it’s to prepare something. A presentation or how to prepare yourself, that’s what the game plan is right. A preparation and yeah if you will answer to that?


JAMIE:  When you say personal notes for effectiveness are you, are you referring to personal notes from like courses like this or are referring to personal notes like your to do list for daily tasks. What kind of personal notes when you say effectiveness and personal notes what are you specifically referring to?

MARIO:  Ok specifically my personal notes are about life. So different sections, relationships, financial and help. So, and was all this concept we were talking about, you can apply them right. So, when they it comes more to pick up lets, let’s see what do I have here my personal notes. I do, I have when since success file where I say “Step one: Write down what you want; Step two is like, why do you want to do it and then the motivation the why. Step three is: action, the game plan.” So what kind of strategy did you use as opener, use this, use the …. stories forth and back and forth and then when I go more in detail I just like. Ok phase attraction, phase storytelling, phase not phase, phase engaging with people. So, for instance what helped me a lot was when you, when we were talking about, when was this investor was doing TM and said, “This was his biggest source of success”

JAMIE:  Ray Dalian.

MARIO:  Right and it helped me a lot to put principals so I’ve for instance the book.

JAMIE:  Have you read that book?

MARIO:  It’s on my, it’s on my list.

JAMIE:  It’s very good.

MARIO:  Yeah,

JAMIE:  I’ve read it before.

MARIO:  So, it’s, I just took a look at that. Looked very good and for instance for principals this helped me to get prepared. So, I got principals down and material. So, we talked about last time openers and the ones we use were direct openers, right? So Also, more in there the openers we talked about onion openers its one specific question, for instance are there different sorts of indirect openers then….

JAMIE:  Well I mean before we go on to, that sounds like a different topic. Let’s stay with your personal notes and effectiveness first ok.

MARIO:  Yeah so specific questions, because there is so many different aspects there is and to simplify. So, for instance like to have a good balance between detail and over read.

JAMIE:  So, so it sounds, ok. So, tell me if this is correct your final outcome is you absorbed all this different knowledge from different sources, is have a good, a good organizational system where at least the most key concepts are very accessible to you where they don’t get kind of lost, it’s like, kind of like go I’ve taken like 25 courses and am I forgetting certain things because I didn’t really you know condense them in the most effective way. Like in other words the best of the best, yeah but the things I’ve been exposed too. Is that kind of what you were referring to like having a method to really make sure that the really key stuff is always accessible to you?

MARIO:  Yeah, I actually think already I can answer my own question.

JAMIE:  Answer it then, yeah, I rather hear your answer because you are going to, if you got something kind of as part from you. Tell me what is and I’ll see what I can add to it but it would sure, would sure an answer.

MARIO:  I think the difference I’m not good finding, I’m …….. finding a woman. The other it’s perfection, perfectionism and perfectionism is a sense or a fear of failure. I want to make everything as perfect instead of doing it in a simpler way so, I’m aware of that. But I think it’s a subconscious pattern as well so well on the one hand I want to be good. But then it’s in a way to, to get things done. It was also moving to the question I had wither the first talk in a group it’s like for success how to get to your goals to be effective and to focus on one thing right. So, I’ve so many aspects and that’s what I’m doing, I’ve focused now on different, on two areas and that’s what I’m doing right now. But also learning structure, I’m taking a course on Coursera and which learning how to learn right. So, and during my studies I found out what’s effective for me also not just for university course, also it has been very helpful was listening to audio, audio stuff. Listening to (inaudible) listening the relation of the list, listening to the (inaudible) courses. So, this is being just listening to some of this stuff and I couldn’t apply it like immediately way easier then writing things down. But now but I just aver puzzles and to combine them I believe you have to write things down and to try them out and to have also full consistency to have, yeah. I always call it don’t guess success to measure to measure it. So how many did you go out, how many times, which kind of response that you get and yeah that was like what was on my mind to improve my effectiveness.

JAMIE:  I mean, let me tell you what I think it’s because you have some insights sir. Let me tell what I do and maybe that will give you an idea.

MARIO:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  So, I’m always doing something you know I’m always learning from somebody wither it’s in person, audio, book, videos, whatever. So, so what I do is like for example, if I take like a course. When I go there in person, when I’m there for those two three days I’m taking copies notes man, I’m talking about writing, I write everything right. Then, then what I do is after the workshop or whatever I did is over there very, the very you know, you know like let’s just say Monday after the weekend workshop whatever. I’ll get home, I’ll then go through all my notes I wrote and then what I’ll do is this. I will, I will then look for the most key things. The things that I know I do not want to forget, they say, I don’t know if you’ve heard this before. Do you, let’s see here we, well… yeah and I have talked quite a bit about meditation and I’m, I probably mentioned this before. They say, “Meditation is like reprogramming your body, reprogramming your mind”. So, after you are done meditating and you step back in your body it’s almost like you reprogrammed your mind for the day. You’ve, you’ve heard that before?

MARIO:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  Ok, so, so what I do is after that weekend I’ll go back to my notes all over again. Maybe I have like 10 pages of notes. Those 10 pages I re-read them and every time I come across I mean it’s like the real, the real jewels of what I got. I will then take that line or wisdom and I’ll put this in this, I call like, I call like a master document. I have one master document just one master document has everything, for a lot it’s the best of the best. Everything I’ve been exposed to for like the last 10 years man. That includes books, teachers, in person, pick up, life coaching, wealth building, everything is in there. The best of the best and it’s in one document. So again, every time it exposes something I’ll go through all those notes one more time and I’ll look through and ill really be very, I’ll be very selective about what I pick.

So, for example I might go to, I might you know, maybe I want to you know, a Tony Robins program or something and I’m there for like you know. I’m there for four days, the end of that I can look at me, I can look at this master file like I look, my notes might be like 20 pages dude. But then if I look at my master file maybe my master file has like a page of it or a page and half. It’s the very, it’s the stuff that almost rigger everything else because sometimes you’ll find that you don’t need to write everything again just the fact that you were there in class you took read notes the first time. All you really need is some triggers and if you have those kind of trigger statements it will help you almost, it will almost help your kind of to remember. It will help to cascade the rest of the information.


So again, I’ll just go through that stuff and I’ll take the best of the best almost the crystal version with that course was. The real key things were going to make all the difference and then I put in that master, master document. So here is, here is my main point. I don’t ever have to, those notes from Tony Robins for example are in a special file in my computer. I have like one file called coaching and I’ve like maybe 30 coaches that I have been around and then in the files all my notes. So, in my Tony Robins file I have like 50 pages, 100 pages typed and then from that I’ve extracted maybe the top three best pages and those three are in the master file and that master file I skim through it every day. So, every day that information is fresh in my head.

MARIO:  Yeah. That makes sense because like in, what I have learned was that so many details you know, be able to look at time all the time. So, like to compress them and to summarize them, that’s what I’ve been doing the principals file for instance for engaging. So, when I read my, read down my principals file its just like also a principal, also with wordings, some called approaching, some called openings, some called introducing, initiating a conversation and just like there’s the energy and like call made me, last call made me worry about the difference between energy and also state because like, the energy would like to pump myself up, it’s helpful to be energized and people think but then to the right state. Sometimes (inaudible) is about can get you into state. I believe that there’s like common denominating that will, other there’s a difference and then how do I run the openers?

JAMIE:  Yeah, yeah that’s kind of what I want to say. I just want to close this. Let me just give you an example, only because you mentioned the book Principals which I read.

MARIO:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  It’s very good. From that entire book I took two, I think I have two master concepts that I put into this master file. The whole thing I got two; two that I don’t ever want to forget. For the first one is, tell me this you know if its sounds familiar. The getting into synch with others and yourself is the most important and best one you can make. Does that sound familiar?

MARIO:  No, I can’t…

JAMIE:  Ah that’s right, you haven’t read it yet. But based on the whole concept there is, is you are going to have a meeting with people or even, even its kind of set the stage for yourself for the day taking that time to really get yourself in alignment and get yourself in synch with what needs to be done. It’s like almost like you could kind of, I almost kind of think of like its own meditation process or like “Hey, I got a bi day today. Before I even go out do fucking anything first thing I’m going to do is I’m going to remember the most important thing I can do is really get in synch with myself, my thoughts. I got to be very clear about like, let’s just say I have a meeting in half an hour” before I walk into that fucking meeting I want to be very clear about what needs to be discussed, what those outcomes are. So not taking any phone calls right now, I got a meeting in half an hour, I’m just going to purely focus and make sure that I am very clear on what, what needs to happen.

So, I’m getting in synch with my own thoughts. So, this way when I, when I have and maybe I have some business partners I need to talk to. So, I make sure before I get in that meeting I’m going to take that extra time to really get in synch with those people to make sure that we have a very clear road map going forward. So, it’s almost like, it’s almost like referring to that own process to get yourself, get your thoughts together and make sure you are really clear what your goals your outcomes are.  So, don’t be so quick to get out there and work instead make sure you are very, you are in line with yourself, what your outcomes are, what your other team mates outcomes are you know take that time before you just run through things, make sure you share the same goals.

Sort of a way that my main point is that one concept that I never want to forget that. So, every day I read that its, I skim it very briefly in my little file. The other one is, and this, I think is brilliant. Ray Dalian makes a very good point of saying don’t ever get so arrogant that you think you’re not going to make mistake. You will make mistakes and surround yourself with people that you can get advice from. I’m forgetting how exactly he puts it, but here’s the main point. This is, whenever you get advice from somebody wants most important is not their finally advice Mario; its how do they get there. Like for example if you are opening of a business and you tell someone like “Hey I’m thinking about opening up a business, a marketing business” and then that person says “No don’t do that. That’s not going to work out” their final conclusion is not what you should focus on. Final conclusion is why.

So maybe they tell you the reason is because it’s too competitive, maybe because you have a mark you are going for is sectored, maybe it’s because it might I’ve your reasons. What you focus on are the reasons, are those reasons legitimist and then you take the ones you believe in the ones that makes sense and from that you create your own conclusion. That’s the best way getting council from people without necessarily just taking them at face “oh ok I’ll go do that”. Instead you find out why they think the way they do.

I guess in the Ray Dillon example because he’s an investor, maybe I say, maybe I say, “Hey Mario you really need to buy, you really need to buy this steal stock.” you might, well rather than just buying the stock. You might say “Well Jamie why do you, why do you say that?”  What I say well this particular steal stock has great balance sheet a great cash flow, they are also very innovative. They just created this new steal product it’s going to kill it this year and then you listen to my reasons and then from my reasons that’s where you make your own conclusion. But you don’t just get face value, do this, do that. It’s a lodge that backs up that person’s advice that you really leverage not that final advice itself. This very important because in your life you will get advice from a lot of people on how to do different things or how to be successful. What you really want to understand is what got into that conclusion, what is their logic and from that logic build your own conclusion. Make sense?

MARIO: I think so, wait…

JAMIE:   It’s like even, it’s even with pick up right. You know like, I do this technique. Why do you do that technique Jamie? Why I do it, because bla bla and bla. That make not work for you for some reason you know or maybe it will. But when you understand, when you have the real understanding for why I’m giving for that advice that’s when it really starts to make sense or not make sense.

MARIO:  Whenever it works for one self.

JAMIE:  Yeah, so when people give you an advice in the future, find out where that advice is coming from, what is the logic that backs it up. But anyway, the bottom line is this that’s, that’s I don’t know I’ve figured out maybe 150-page book whatever it was. From the whole book, there are two things that I never want to forget. So, I skin through it, that part of my master file I go through it every day. Now I have all my notes I have tons of notes from that book I took a lot you know notes and bla bla blad, did research but the end of it those are the two things that trigger everything right. I remember there’s two things I kind of remember the whole book. So, you, so I think that for me has been a very efficient way to do it. I just have one master file I never have to review my other notes again. That master file has the best of the best.

MARIO:  I mean it’s like there is for instance a reading book sometimes key concepts will emerge or sometimes you are edit. But that’s what like yeah, that’s what I think what I trace into my running file. That’s something to use because on the one hand I have the details and the folders and the other hand I have the details in my file which is just like resonates with me. Great!

JAMIE:  Ok good. Let’s just hit on that last topic. So what’s the, what’s the other one that you wanted to go through? The direct and the indirect, I think that’s your mentioning.

MARIO:  Alright, right. So was just like structuring the right, in the right openers and I had to direct ones down or even like the structure was the same of the direct ones I used or and I said indirect opens I use with couple or opening with an opener. I was just wondering are there different ways of (inaudible) feature indirectly and accept the right openers, accept opening openers of that.

JAMIE:  So, what’s your question?

MARIO:  Like what kind of indirect openers are there, except opening openers? That’s my question.

JAMIE:  Well I mean you can always use an organic opinion opener for example, you’re talking to your friends and you just, you have an awareness you know, kind of like “hey…”. Like for example let’s just say you know you and I Mario like in a bra we are talking we are trying to talk about the week or whatever’s happened. The idea is in the conversation assuming you and I enjoy each other’s company we are going to kind of find out what’s been happening, we have some engaging topics. The difference is friends just talking to your kind of whatever, I also have the awareness in the back of my head and I ask myself well is what, is what Mario just ask me would that make a good for opinion opener. Ok, no. How about this topic? No. How about this topic and likewise I might bring up the topics to you that might come up maybe, maybe for example that week one of my co-workers did something a little scandalous.

Now because I’m constantly asking myself the question would this make for a good opinion opener, I am facing the awareness in my head. So, to certain point something might come up and when that comes up that would be actually really good “Hey guys really quick my friend and I we were just talking about topic. What do you think” So I give you a really world example, I demonstrated this with a client a few months ago? We sat over by a group we wanted to open that’s very important too, kind of pivot over by the group you want to engage then you kind of do your thing and have your conversation and during the conversation I told him that you know, as a kid I was deathly afraid of lightning right.

I was like one of my biggest fears and I told them about you know just having your normal conversations but have an awareness in the back of your head based on the topics your speaking off would this make for a good opinion opener, potentially. And then the topic came that I was having those were in Florida, we were in South Beach Florida. I talked, I also talked about this topic about lightning and how you know that one of my biggest fears growing up.

So, I am being aware of potential opportunities to ask opinion openers when that came up organically and then turn over the shoulder to the group next to me and then say “Hey guys really quick, if you met the perfect guy, perfect in every single way but he was definitely afraid of lightning. Would that be a deal breaker for you?” Now it’s not that complicated you know I want you really to keep this in mind. You don’t want openers to be complicated, they are actually very simple you meek them too complicated then you mind fuck yourself so you don’t want a million openers. You want one or two and you just use them all the time and  this just a very simple thing you can do, where you are out with your friends anyway and you just you are having normal conversations and what it is you have an awareness of that anything you are talking about might make the potentially for an opinion opener. You don’t have to wait for to be too crazy and complicated, could be anything. Like in my example I just talked about one of my fears so “Hey guys really quick if you met the perfect guy but he was definitely afraid of lightning, would that be a problem for you?” Right. It, it’s those kinds of things you can use to engage anybody.

MARIO:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  Does that make sense?

MARIO:  Makes sense, my question was more like. Are there different ways of indirectly open someone except asking for an onion?

JAMIE:  Oh, oh alright. Yeah, yeah there are ok. So, ok.

MARIO:  I mean.

JAMIE:  Ok, I miss understood you. So, here’s another way my call is don’t opener. So, all you do is you know, here’s where we surely, we were all in the grocery store or like some kind of shopping place or someone is very focused on something, maybe the girl is looking at different nutrition bars and maybe she’s looking at picking a metrics bar. That’s, that’s a nutrition bar we have here in the States. So, you she she’s about to grab that and you say “No, don’t get that one. This is the one you want” and so you will maybe pick a different bar, maybe it’s a lower bar or a kind bar or a different type of nutrition bar. But the idea is you just look with that person, you look what the person is doing and you assume about what maybe they are thinking about to do or about to say or you assume based on their focus and then you simply say “don’t” and then whatever you think they might be doing. So, and that’s the example the girl is looking at a nutrition bar and I think she might get the wrong one says “Don’t get that one. This is the one you want” You following me?

MARIO:  I’ve been or don’t chew your finger nails or don’t do this or that.

JAMIE:  Yeah, yeah. I could be, I could be the coffee shop at Starbucks and she is looking at the different, and the girl in front of me is looking in the different items right. Top rows are usually like kind of the naughty selection, the cake tops that kind of stuff and the bottom are the sandwiches. Let’s just say I see you looking at the top and I assume, remember you’ll never know for sure, you have to have fun with this and take a guess. I assume that she is considering a cake top that’s not good for her metabolism. So, I might say “Don’t do it. That’s the naughty row” Following me?

MARIO:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  So, its “Don’t, don’t” and then whatever you assume she might be thinking about to do. I give you one last example just did this home. Let’s just say you are travelling Mario and you’re in a hotel and its downstairs nine in the morning and you see this beautiful lady by herself, with a little laptop, roller bag and she has a really concerned look on her face. Maybe you assume that she has a big presentation later on that day. So, you walk by and say, “Hey don’t worry, your presentation will go just fine today”.

MARIO:  Yeah.

JAMIE:  So, don’t, I call that the “Don’t opener” Don’t whatever you assume she might be thinking about to do etc, based on her focus. So that is indirect but it’s not asking for an opinion.

MARIO:  Alright, well thank you.

JAMIE:  Because you are not making clear like, that defeat thing going. “Hey, I saw you over there and I just had to come over and say hello I’m Mario nice to meet you” that’s, that would be direct, this would be more like, kind of like, you know kind of little bit more under the radar.

MARIO:  I mean the one you were using direct, though its direct it’s not super direct in a sense it doesn’t state that you like her looks or anything like that one before. But also like of course I want to know if there’s more to you then just your looks and yeah, I’ve, direct openers they can work one on one it was my experience and yeah had some fun with it. But yeah like indirect I think when groups, when there are groups are way better. Otherwise someone wants to protect her and some….

JAMIE:  I think you should give them a little bit more of a chance because that’s not necessarily true. I mean like you can definitely open a group direct they are like, like for example “Hey I just had to come over say hello. You guys seem like fun”

MARIO:  Right, right, right.

JAMIE:  “…Nice to meet you” You can totally do that. If your energy is there you can engage groups like that. So, I don’t want you thinking of that because that’s not true.

MARIO:  I mean it’s something, like I like you very much that, that there what I’ve been…

JAMIE:  Yeah, you don’t. I’m not telling you to go that far. I’m saying like “Hey I just had to come over and say hello. You guys seem like fun. I’m Mario nice to meet you.” You can totally do that and just be a friendly sociable guy. Remember the key is not the opener and I want it re emphases this over and over to you man. Don’t make the opener too complicated, don’t look to have a million openers, pick one and just use it and be. You do it 100 times before you make, before you make a final assessment on it. Pick one proven one of course but then just keep doing it, because you’ll have enough experiences to really tell you what the future is for that opener. So, if you over complicate it you have too many you are thinking about you will mind fuck yourself.

MARIO:  Yeah, yeah.

JAMIE:  Ok, so I really like “Hey I just had to come over to say hello” or “I just had to come over and introduce myself. You guys seem like fun” or “You guys seem like you have good energy. I’m Jamie, I’m Mario. Nice to meet you”


JAMIE:  Remember if they gave you shit back that’s why you have your other tools, that’s why you have your negs, that’s why you have your stack forwards. Don’t worry so much about the opener you just got to get it out of the way.

MARIO:  Yeah.


MARIO:  And now just to make sure the wording ok, thank you, I learned a lot.

JAMIE:  Yeah, yeah. Do I have anyone else on the call? Cassiden, you there? Your sign is there incognito. Cassiden, you there or no? Ok I’m going to assume that’s a no. Jennifer lets, you given things a little thought. I liked how we had a little discussion. Let it go Bob you know effectiveness, organization. I feel like I said there’s the kind of things I want to have in these calls too. So, anything, anything kind of spark for you?

JENNIFER:  Yeah sure.

JAMIE:  I want you to come up with something.

JENNIFER:  Yeah, yeah, I did. It’s like I’ve observed myself and I relied that like some thoughts and actions and certain people give me energy but other take energy. Oh, one second. Can you hear me?

JAMIE:  Yeah, I know I hear you. So, it was some people, give energy?


JAMIE:  Take energy?

JENNIFER:  Yeah exactly and yeah exactly and I’m trying to focus on that except sometimes the negative aspect is so overwhelming that I can’t like I’m not strong enough to get over that and that affects me negatively.

JAMIE:  Ok. So let’s talk about this negative individual.

JENNIFER:  It doesn’t have to be an individual; it can be like a thought or anything.

JAMIE:  Ok, so what, what, what over like the last week and you can be general if you want Jenifer, what would be…


JAMIE:  What’s the example of something that has been a very negative focus, its better and for the purpose of our example it will be good if it’s a person.


JAMIE:  That’s kind of creating that but what would be an example of referring a negative focus for you?

JENNIFER:  Like at my work their certain individuals that are not happy with their work situation and they share that with everyone and it doesn’t have anything to do with me. But it does affect me listening to this negativity. It’s not directed at me but still it takes energy from me.

JAMIE:  Are, are they brining this up in meeting where you have to be there?

JENNIFER:  Yes, yes.


JENNIFER:  In meetings.

JAMIE:  It’s a little bit more difficult because you have to be there.

JENNIFER:  Yeah, I’m ………..

JAMIE:  Yeah you can’t, you can’t really escape. You know, you know I used to like, I used to like to do. When I was, when I was in situations where you know I’d be in a meeting or something, where I really didn’t want to be there. I would actually just have a piece of paper and scribble on it and then what I was doing and again it’s just an idea. Because it probably was in a situation where I kind of had to be there but it was, it was very un-positive. I would do a lot of you know I would do like a different way of doing my low kind of focused process. Other way my focus would be writing, so I basically scribbling so to other people looks like I’m writing notes but I’m not.


JAMIE:  all I’m doing is writing the shit I want to talk about or focus on. So, I might be writing notes about things that have nothing at all to do with what’s happening.


JAMIE:  But I’m writing notes based on what I want to focus on. Maybe its stuff I want to do for the day, maybe, maybe I’m doing my little affirmations, maybe or doing anything. So, I’m completely un-focusing on them and with the talk. I’m basically ignoring them.


JAMIE:   I’m completing my own world and scribbling thoughts of things that are important to me or things that I want to focus on. So, I’m all, I’m just turning down the dial with what they are saying and I’m just, I’m just really focused on, on my scribbles. My scribbles are basically writing like it’s almost like this undecipherable journaling that I’m doing.


JAMIE:  But I know what it says, I know what I’m writing and I’m just using this cabinet outlet to really you know focus on what I want to focus on. That’s what I, that’s what I do in those kinds of situations. It’s difficult though but that’s, that’s something that I’ve tried and its worked for me.

JENNIFER:  Yeah, So I will have to bring a notepad to the, to the next meeting.

JAMIE:  Yeah, you don’t, people will think you are disciplined you are writing notes but the truth is.


JAMIE:  You are just doing your own fucking thing.

JENNIFER:  Yeah that amazing.

It’s an idea. It’s a little easier to give advice or ideas. Where you deal with individual one you don’t have to be around and…


JAMIE:  A good phrase to that one is tell me if you’ve heard this one before “Love everyone.”

JAMIE:  “Even if you need to ignore them completely”


JAMIE:  You know that that means we will ignore them completely. So, so the idea is that you are getting yourself in a good state you are feeling awesome you are feeling really prosperous exciting about the day. You know this one fucking individual just kills you.


JAMIE:  It’s like your job to challenge yourself and see how much you can take from that individual. instead of just listen as best you can like don’t spend time with them, are there certain people I just don’t take phone calls from or don’t put myself around because know they are just a drain.


JAMIE:  And it’s not, it’s not my job to lift them up. So, I just limit or maybe eliminate time I spend with certain individuals but I remind myself the most important relationship in my life Jennifer is the relationship that I have with myself. If I don’t feel good then no one’s going to feel good being around me and there’s certain people that are out there that are just fucking draining. Well I’m just not going to be around them, it’s not my, it’s not my job to take care of them.


JAMIE:  So, I remind myself of that phrase, so I remember that it’s ok to be selfish like that. There, they need to help themselves, they need, I’m not, I’m, by me bringing myself down to them that’s not going to help anybody. So, I just, I just, I just remember that, that thought and I limit my time with those people or again or even potentially eliminate it. Doesn’t mean you still don’t love them, doesn’t mean you still don’t, doesn’t mean you don’t respect them. Just means you are not willing to subject yourself to bullshit, simple.


JAMIE:  So that’s easier but in the work environment, that’s something that you know that another thing is something that has worked well for me. I’m just forcing myself to; I’m just giving myself a process to tune them out.


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